The Perfect Explanation to Why We Hate Crossfitters

By
Kelly Alto
-

Doing Crossfit is a giveaway that you are a huge douche-bag.

You guys want to know how to be able to tell if someone does Crossfit? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

In fact, they will make sure to tell you within seconds of meeting you, and then they’ll proceed to talk about Crossfit and nothing else. This just happened to me on my lunch break: I was going to ask for no onions on my sandwich but cool, you flip tires in your spare time; now I know. Thanks, and I’ll take my sandwich to go.

I don’t know when exactly it happened but Crossfit is a big thing now. Crossfit studios are popping up everywhere. Anywhere that fitness is remotely a thing, there’s a least three different Crossfit studios around. If you live in a big city or on a college campus, forget about it. Left and right, here and there, POP! POP! Nothing ruins a nice morning stroll than a group of girthy people running behind you carrying tires above their head while moaning and groaning with veins popping out of their necks. Like, I’m just trying to get myself a Skinny Vanilla Latte and you’re ruining it for me. (I wonder if Crossfitters order a Bulky Vanilla Latte, sub espresso, add protein.)

Crossfit is for sure a cult and nothing else. Here, I’ll prove it to you. Have you ever met someone who just dabbles in a little Crossfit? No. Everyone you meet that does Crossfit is a little something like this:

(while clenching fists, thrusting, bouncing and probably spitting)

“YEAH I DO CROSSFIT! TRAIN EVERYDAY MAN! IRON PLAYGROUND! I LOVE IT! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT PALEO DIET?! HASHTAG PALEO. HASHTAG CROSSFIT. CROSSFIT IS A LIFESTYLE. IT’S MY LIFE. CROSSFIT, F YEAH.”

(…just a mild preview for you.)

Look, I totally comprehend how it’s a ‘manly’ thing to do Crossfit and have that ridiculous body but if you’re showing up to a cookout primarily for the protein and not the cleavage and sundresses, you are not a real man. You’re just a random guy with aggressive veins eating too much chicken.

If you’re a girl who is really into Crossfit, then…my advice to you is to ditch the Crossfit studio and walk next door to the Yoga studio. Guys want to see you in tree pose, not literally picking up a tree.

I feel like a lot of the guys who do Crossfit are doing it to have great bodies and ultimately have sex with lots of girls. This is the part that doesn’t quite add up for me. As an active and in shape girl, getting naked next to a guy who does Crossfit will be the softest you ever feel. These guys are just way too intense. I’m not saying I can’t take a good beating, but I’m also not saying that I would enjoy being treated like a kettle bell in the bedroom.

I have a feeling that it’s a rule in the Crossfit community that once you leave Crossfit, you go and tell everyone you know that you went to Crossfit (either before or after you try to convince them to participate in the paleo diet.) Speaking of the paleo diet, um, please go away. It’s cool if you want to eat like a caveman, whatever, do you your thing. You want to know what would be even cooler? Not talking about it all the damn time. If you paleo people keep professing your obsessions for ‘caveman’ life, then I’m pretty sure you will end up living an actual caveman life and no one will want to be around you. Get back in your cave and shut up about your weighed out meat and nuts.

So over Crossfit,

Kelly XOXO

#Crossfit.

Featured image via Unsplash

RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR

49 COMMENTS

  1. This is hilarious. I’m into CrossFit these days, but I’m doing my best not to become like this. I completely understand where you are coming from. We’ll see if it’s possible.

  3. I totally agree that some people go overboard!! Like if I didn’t ask about your workout/lifestyle choices… I don’t care! But I completely disagree with the extremely sexist remark about crossfit vs. yoga… not all women go to the gym to be looked at by men believe it or not. Strength and health is very important to me… not what a guy wants to see me doing.

  4. I can’t believe you just said that the only exercise women should do is yoga… “Because guys want to see you in tree pose” wow

  6. Thoroughly enjoyed. I will say I like my girl to be able to pick up a tree… as well as be in a tree pose (whatever that is). Both of which I think she could get from crossfit.

    I love that this article didn’t hate on crossfit for some fitness reason, but for the annoying as hell cult it can get to be. Once people have been working out for more than 6 months they stop being so over the top about it.

  7. There are bits of truth in this article but most of it is completely idiotic. People should work out for themselves and for their health…not to impress a person of the opposite (or same) sex as was said in this article.

    I have been Paleo for almost a year for health reasons as I have two very serious medical conditions (lupus and celiac’s) so I really do not appreciate your paleo bashing. If people want to follow the paleo diet, that is their prerogative. Same for crossfitters. I find you, Kelly, to be much more irritating and obnoxious than any crossfitters or paleo followers because you are completely clueless and ignorant as you have grossly generalized this entire article.

    • Agreed, I am mostly paleo because I am celiac as well and cannot digest any grains, and also have a dairy allergy. I’d love for some of these people to find themselves strapped with those kind of food obstacles and acquire a little humanity.

      Also, the funniest part about this article is that she calls herself a comedian in her bio..

    • Oh get over it! The fact that you have to highlight to other people that you have lupus and celiac disease says more about your self-aggrandized “struggle” while there millions of people who deal with the same issues, but don’t go around telling them that they’re a Paleo-dieter.

  8. Okay, I was laughing along with this until “Guys want to see you in tree pose, not literally picking up a tree.” Because a gal’s fitness choices are not about her health, her physical ability, her enjoyment, they’re about showing your ass to dudes.

  9. Maybe not all girls that work out do so to be looked as an object by men… maybe they just want to be healthy and strong. And what’s wrong with eating paleo? It’s soooo much better for you than eating all that processed junk! #crossfit #strongisthenewskinny

  10. Did none of you see that she is a COMEDIAN? Stop with the “I thought you were good till you made fun of my life! Now Im gonna complain” posts.

  12. Some of the above responses to her article only substantiate her point!!! First, As far as yoga and the tree pose issue, I’m pretty sure she is saying guys would prefer a fit women who doesn’t “show off” her bleeding, callused hands while she carries around her gallon jug water. Second, if you are eating paleo for health reasons that is fine and dandy; but crossfitters seem to feel the need to “push” the paleo diet on anyone that is around them which is more than annoying. They talk as if they are better than you for following an eating program like religion. Not sure why crossfitters feel the need to broadcast that they are a crossfitter, train in a box where they charge you $150 to improperly teach you olympic lifts and mandate that you wear really high socks t make sure you get your point across.

    I have been lifting/training for 23 years and have seen and executed almost every exercise program and/or circuit geared towards wrestling (hardest sport on earth….hands down) Crossfitters are not athletes. Period. The guys and girls on TV are in really good shape and have a ton of explosiveness and power but that doesn’t make you an athlete. I am a huge advocate for people getting in shape and encourage people to use whatever program they would like to in order to reach their goals. But crossfitters and paleo lunatics, please stop broadcasting that you guys are superior in any way and those of us who don’t subscribe to your methods are falling short. You people seem angry. Go do some kiiping pull ups and dips. You will feel better and you can post your times on FB and twitter to make sure everyone knows!! Great article by the way!!

  13. This article’s doing some of the worst gender-policing I’ve ever seen. “Guys want to see [girls]…”, “not a real man”, etc. STFU. If this article is any indication of how people who obsess about yoga act, you’re no better than the Crossfit douche bags you claim to be superior to.

  15. I must agree with this article in the sense of it being like a cult. Also, the yoga comment was funny to me. I don’t think it was intended to be taken literally, guys. Chill out. I tried Crossfit once and was insanely sore and felt like my technique was lost due to being pushed to do more. Great way to forge an injury. I am a previous college athlete and never trained this way with anyone I worked with. Technique was the base of everything. After my experience, I got some e-mails about joining the box and I wrote back asking a few questions about rebuilding my body since I had transitioned to Paleo for autoimmune conditions and was worried about starting off with too much. Guess what- no reply! They don’t give a F* about helping you, they just want your money and to push you into their lifestyle. This same gym also posts on my friend who joined’s personal FB page almost daily with articles on crossfit and pictures of workouts promoting their gym. I can’t stand it!

  17. Kelly, there’s nothing wrong with being able to pick up a tree! I do crossfit every now and then, I have been a runner since I was 6 years old, I do yoga here and there and barre. A few weeks ago a tree fell off and blocked our driveway, my boyfriend was out of town and we have tenants in the property… Needless to say I was able to use the chainsaw and cut the big tree and carry every piece out of the way and to the truck to dispose. Yoga isn’t going to give you that strength. Being a strong woman is important because it makes you independent, confident, healthy and extends your life span. I’m not bulky… I’m 5’8″ and 135 lbs. And I don’t do Crossfit and try to lift the heaviest either. I know my limits and that is the problem with those who get injured doing crossfit: they ignore their limitations… On the other hand… I am the fastest at my box when it comes to running and I wouldn’t have been able to achieve that if it wasn’t because of the muscular strength that Crossfit has provided. Same with the tree… Do you want a man to like you because you look pretty in your lululemon clothes and can hold a tree pose for 10 minutes? Or do you want a guy to like you because you are bad ass and unstoppable?

    • Awesome commentary, keep on motivating! My girlfriend shares similar qualities and aspirations, that is what I find attractive!

    • great comment! i agree with you. Not every crossfitter is like what she described. actually all the crossfit gyms i go to have people who are really nice and do not show off on social media and all. This is a very one sided article and some of it is true, but not for everyone!

  18. As a person who suffered from childhood asthma and obesity, I’ve found CrossFit to be a very efficient way to train ones athletism. Sure there is that group that lets it get to their head, but this can be found in any gym environment. I don’t find steady state training conducted while staring at yourself in the mirror to be any less egotistical or efficient. My coaches do a damn good job reinforcing proper form, and take the time in their programming. As far as what men and women prefer, who cares? You should train for yourself and no one else. To the “fit” yoga athlete who wrote this, I could imagine that you’re the most soft and squishy thing I’ve ever felt. If not intercourse with you may be comparable to that with one of those skeletons found in science classrooms. For everyone else, love it or hate it. Just train the way that makes you feel good and keeps you fit.

  19. This is by far the best rendition of cross fit…ever! The writer nailed it. I recently lost my cousin to crissfit. Normal guy, worked out a decent amount, nothing crazy. Then he tried crossfit…amount d I can’t even have a freakin conversation with him without bringing it up, or his stupid instagram is alway G&# damn chicken or random picks of weights. I’ve never met a non crossfit douche. And instagram not hating, I’ve trained most of my life. But sooo not necessarily to tell the world. The results speak volumes. ..FU cross fit! You suck

  21. Well, it’s true that “we crossfitters” talk about what we do. But then again, so do body builders, soccer players, and anyone else who has found something they enjoy and are good at.

    Call it a cult..or call it a family.

    Or…everyone can move on and do whatever the hell makes them happy 🙂

    #memberoftgecrossfitcult

  22. “Guys want to see you in tree pose, not literally picking up a tree.”

    We don’t do Crossfit by what men think . And men who do not understand it are not men are kids.
    Yes, I do Crossfit and Yoga, so what?

    Grow up boy…

  24. What a sad little person. Hope you get the help you need so you can stop the HATE, and start the HEALING.

  25. Great article; when the college squad days are over, marriage is boring, and the amazing, life changing kiddos are thoroughly unfulfilling, Crossfit becomes great! Oh yeah, then marital competition, then divorce, then dumping the kids wherever someone else will take them. Yay.

  26. Thank you Kelly. I threw up four times reading a Crossfitter’s interpretation of why they’re hated, and this was a much needed dose of reality. Fuck those cultists.

  27. for real. i have never done steroids either but have trained 3 semi pro and 1 turning pro bodybuilder… none of them have ever done crossfit and they’re mutants. plus, they’re not even that obsessed anymore. just something they do now. srsly, i would so much rather just do juice and work out after the age of 30 for life than do this shit. The one guy I know who is big into this and really good has always been the biggest fucking douche ever. Dude loved Dave Matthews and every fucking trend ever, plus made fun of any male smaller than he was…

    meanwhile i and my friends are casually running businesses and not thinking we’re gods or something… and WE’RE the juicers. honestly maybe if these guys would just admit they want to cheat and do juice then they should just do it. i never have but i would never get this obsessed. I would just raise my test and keep going hard as usual. If they could figure out that they’re canceling out both the cardio and the anaerobic and just aging themselves and, as the author says, actually becoming real cavemen.

    I mean, ladies, srsly, who would you rather date: multiple mr. olympia jay cutler? or any crossfit douche? who do u think would be more normal? have a close to normal ego? i can say, mr olympia would be the safer and way more fun and normal choice there as would any bodybuilder over these douches. at least they know they’re douches and are usually pretty easy going douches really cuz they don’t have to grind down their bodies toward some imaginary goal; they let theirs heal and grow at a healthy pace. honestly if somebody is wanting to change the body this much they better both do juice and stick to majority anaerobic or aerobic. it’s a huge fallacy that “cardio” is needed for men. It’s unhealthy to do both hard; most normal people don’t lift heavy enough- even bodybuilders- however these crossfit douches lift so heavy they don’t even keep form; they’re doing swinging pullups and shit. sloppy rage monsters… fucking douches angry that the little old guy or the professor in the gym is out-lifting them and has time and personality for drinks at the piano bar afterwards.

  30. Well foljs, tgis woman sees right through your BS: you do these exercises in order to seek external validation, without having done anything useful for the society.. WEAK!

  31. That writer sounds like a bigger douche than the CrossFitters she was obsessed with ripping.q
    “Tree Pose? Not pickup a tree?”
    “On my way to get a latte?”

    Twit.

  32. The most crossfit fanatical folks are those that finally found fitness in their 20s or later – and also place where they can fit in.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.