Thanksgiving’s almost here folks, and you know what that means. It’s time to loosen our belts and mentally prepare for a day of non-stop eating. It’s that magical holiday where your uncles drink too much and a fistfight breaks out over who played in the half time show six years ago. But it means something else too- Black Friday is not far away.
Black Friday is where boys become men and innocent workers get trampled. This is no place for the weak hearted. Seriously, people actually die every year. If that isn’t a testament to the American Spirit of determination, I don’t know what is. Over the last couple years, Black Friday has started on Thursday night, because businesses are like that trashy girl who flirts with everyone’s boyfriend. They want what doesn’t belong to them, and nobody likes it. Why are we taking away precious football and food time? There are rules to these things people. In fact, there are exactly two rules for Black Friday-
- Make morally questionable decisions in the name of a bargain.
- The Event starts on Friday. Honest to God, it’s right there in the title.
When you start Black Friday on Thanksgiving Day, it changes everything. People used to be able to blame the acts of unnecessary violence on the lack of sleep and their caffeine fueled rage, but now that excuse doesn’t fly. You just ate so much you can’t even walk, why are you tackling an old woman in the tire section of a Wal-Mart when you should be napping? It’s just not right.
We all remember the first time we went shopping on Black Friday. Standing in line alongside a horde of strangers for hours, running on no sleep and trying to stay warm in subzero weather. Once the floodgates opened, all of the excitement turns into anarchy within seconds. Your local Toys-R-Us becomes a gladiator’s arena, and everyone is your enemy. People start wrestling over dolls and knocking down entire aisles. You might witness a grown man stiff arm a twelve year old and not think anything of it. The best part is this is considered acceptable behavior, and secretly we love it. There’s a certain kind of primal rush that can only be felt when you mix sleep depravation and hysteria.
Kids today will never know the joy of waking up at 3am and injecting espresso directly into their veins in order to wait in line for ages to get a new Lego set. That’s where the magic happens. Families and friends everywhere have bonded over this wonderful day. You need to stay in your lane, Black Friday.
So why are we trying to fix something that isn’t broke? Well it depends on who you ask. Your grandpa will probably blame the government or the weather channel. Your college friends might say it’s because of capitalism and blah blah blah something about pie charts. But really, the problem is pretty obvious. Businesses open up on Thanksgiving night now because they know you’ll go. After all, how could you afford to miss out on the sonic toothbrush that’s half off? So in reality, you’re the problem. Thanks a lot, dick.
All is not lost, however. There’s an easy way to solve our little dilemma. Don’t Go. I swear on my dignity it is truly that simple. Stay home, pretend to enjoy spending time with your family, and slip off into a food coma. You deserve it. Let all the weak ones ruin their Thanksgiving. It’ll make the 6am opening even more competitive because everyone’s already worried that their precious towel set is sold out. And maybe, just maybe, one day Black Friday will be restored to its former glory as the most hostile shopping event of the season.
Featured image via Artem Beliaikin on Pexels
