“Hey, I’m Mark.*” He extended his hand out to shake mine, and there was an immediate attraction. Besides his crystal blue eyes and cute face, he was over 6’5”, which was, like, amazing.
We chatted, he told me about grad school and future plans. And, eventually he said, “Let’s get pizza.” Never turn down a guy that offers free pizza.
“Let’s go back and eat these at your place, it’s right around the corner isn’t it?” he said. Um, ok. I kind of wanted to go sleep. but fine. He bought me tortellini pesto pizza so the least I could do was offer him a plate and some napkins at my place, right? His friend joined and we headed back to my house.
45 minutes passed, and I was ready for bed (and also ready for him to leave). I stood up, cleared the plates and headed to the kitchen, repeatedly expressing how tired I was and clearly showing no interest in their company anymore. His friend eventually got the hint, but as I thought he was about to follow his friend out the door, Mark says, “Can I talk to you?” Oh boy.
“Yeah, sure.”
He took my hand and led me into the living room. “Sorry I’m just really tired and honestly just want to go to bed I’m sorry,” I said to him. “No c’mon just 5 minutes I just want to talk to you.” Please leave my house.
“I really like you,” he started, “I think you’re a great girl and you’re insanely hot.” I had no idea how to respond, so I just sat there in silence, yawning and attempting to make it obvious that I clearly wasn’t interested in him being there anymore. Seriously, is there anything worse than not being able to go to bed after devouring a massive slice of pizza and having one too many vodka sodas?
“Well, thank you,” I replied, “But I really should get to bed, it was nice meeting you.”
So in other words, please leave my house.
His hand reached over and grabbed the back of my neck and immediately started making out with me. The kiss lasted maybe 3 seconds when he decided to kick it up a notch and take it to second base. I instantly turned away, expressing how tired I was…again. “Ok, let’s go to bed then.” Um, what? Let’s? As in we? I don’t remember inviting you.
“I don’t know,” I explained, “I’m really tired and I’m not really interested in doing anything with you so maybe you should just go home.” I can’t explain why I absolutely suck at just being like, “Get the fuck out.” But, I mean, sometimes it’s just easier to beat around the bush. In this case, however, he didn’t seem to be catching on, nor really care to.
“Well uh, I don’t have keys to my apartment and my roommate isn’t home so I’d be sleeping outside tonight if I can’t stay here.” Um, what?
I felt inclined to allow it, however, I’m not sure why. I didn’t owe him anything.
“Ok,” I said, “But I’m really not having sex with you.” He seemed nice enough; I just had to share my full size bed with him for the night, it wouldn’t be that bad. I didn’t have the heart to kick him out and leave him “homeless” (although I’m sure he could’ve found somewhere else to sleep), but it was 3am and at this point I just wanted to go to bed, simply too tired to deal with failed attempts of kicking him out.
We get into bed, and I say, “I have to go get dressed.”
“Clothes are overrated, you don’t need them,” he says. Um, ok. I go to the bathroom and put my pajamas on and as soon as I walk in my bedroom he says, “Damn girl, you look hot in pajamas.” Please stop talking and leave my house.
Naturally, he continually tries to make out with me when I tell him time and time again that I don’t want to kiss you. He was continuing to try and put his hands down my pants and up my shirt and I continually swatted his hand away. But, I didn’t have it in me to kick him out. I can’t say that he was “forcing” me to do anything, but his continued attempts made it feel some level of forced, despite my obvious rejections.
“C’mon, you’re so hot and you’re teasing me.”
I don’t want to kiss you. So please stop kissing me. I don’t want to cuddle, or even touch you. I’m not teasing you, I’m just not interested.
I woke up the next morning, and despite his desperate attempts to stay longer and “score,” I eventually drove him home. On the ride home I thought to myself, “Who’s to blame here?” Was I teasing him by letting him sleep in my bed? Why didn’t have the balls to tell him, “I’m not interested, get the hell out of my house.” I didn’t owe him anything, but for some reason at the time I felt like I did.
I didn’t invite him over my house nor did I invite him to sleep in my bed. I didn’t say it was “OK” for him to kiss me, or continually put his hand up my shirt, but he did anyways. We often define “consent,” as a grey area, but I’d have to disagree. Why should I feel like I have to say “No, stop fucking touching me,” for him to get the hint? I was uncomfortable, and I was tired, and I thought I had made that obvious to him. If I wanted to sleep with him, I would have immediately. If I told you that “I’m not having sex with you,” that means that I don’t want to have sex with you.
Am I partly to blame? I’m not sure. I should have felt like I had the right to say, “Get out,” because I do. Swatting his hand away and telling him, “I don’t want to kiss you,” clearly wasn’t enough, so maybe I should’ve done more. There are so many things that I should have done, but at the time, I felt like what I was doing was enough. What I was doing should have been enough. I don’t blame him for hoping he’d get laid by allowing him to sleep in my bed, that’s essentially what “going home with someone,” often entails.
Call me “weak” or tell me I have “low self esteem,” for not just kicking him out. However, being upfront and confrontational with your feelings with a seemingly innocent stranger is intimidating. Maybe it was stupid, and I certainly should have the courage to just kick him out. But are we always outwardly honest in a situation where we feel vulnerable? I am strong, and I am confident, but he made me question if I actually was. Is it fair to myself to blame this situation on the hook up culture of the 21st century? I’m not sure.
I told you I wasn’t going to have sex with you, I told you I didn’t want to kiss you, so please stop trying.
I don’t expect you to be my boyfriend if we have a good conversation at the bar, and I don’t blame you for wanting to have sex on the first night. If you stay the night, I don’t expect you to pick up the breakfast bill in the morning, and I don’t even expect you to text me again. It may feel shitty, but I don’t expect anything. I don’t lose respect for men or women who want to maintain a strictly sexual relationship, because sex is enjoyable, and it doesn’t always have to turn into something serious. However, if I’m not interested, don’t try to make me interested. I don’t know if it was this guy’s intention to make me feel uncomfortable, or if he even caught on to the social cues that I was giving off. But, if I don’t want to kiss you, please stop kissing me.
Please just go home.
Featured image via Alex Green on Pexels
Is this a real or hypothetical story? Did you really let this guy sleep in your house after the way he behaved? What kind of a loser doesn’t have a place to sleep? I’m not going to ‘blame’ you because the only one to blame in a sexual assault is the one who commits it. But I think you dodged a bullet. He seems capable of sexual assault. I would never be alone with him again, and I certainly wouldn’t date him. For your own safety, learn to be assertive. And BTW, I’m a guy.
do agree with you, I need to learn to be more assertive, but like I said, we often struggle with confrontation when we are in a state of vulnerability. I think this is an issue that so many people struggle with.
yes! i feel so validated hearing someone say that! sometimes you feel like youre giving off all the hints that you dont want someone to keep kissing you or similar but you cant seem to get out the actual word no, you cant find the courage in that moment to tell them to get the fuck away from you because youre uncomfortable and vulnerable as you say, its not as easy to just say a flat out no when youre actually in the situation
Aah sweetheart, let me point out a few things you screwed up real bad with a man in heat, in whom you were not interested. When his friend got the hint and was on his way out, but this guy wanted to talk to you, that was your best opportunity to say ‘Not anymore today, I really can’t keep myself awake, I am sure we will run into each other again’. If he had persisted, you could have asked his friend to help take him away from your place. You made irresolute attempts to resist all along and this was your undoing. Think about it from his perspective. With every attempt he made, he had been investing more to have sex with you. He was putting himself into a do or die situation and you didn’t help him avoid that. Are you kidding yourself when you say you shouldn’t have to say “no, stop fucking touching me” to stop a guy who is already in your bed and is dying to have sex with you.?
Yea about that last sentence: “Are you kidding yourself when you say you shouldn’t have to say “no, stop fucking touching me” to stop a guy who is already in your bed and is dying to have sex with you?” – About 2 months ago I had a guy coming over that really, really, really likes me. But I told him I wasn’t sure about having a relationship with him. We sat watching television until about 4 am in the morning on my couch just sitting next to each other, he slept in my 2 persons-bed and didn’t even touch me. He was well behaved. He told me later how he really wanted to kiss me and have sex with me, but he said he was a real man. He knew that was not what I wanted. This is the kind of man we need in this world.
Just sharing this story about the fact there are guys you can trust, and who are able to behave themselves.
If this happened for real, then the guy is a real good, not at all capable of assault. This woman thinks he is cute, allows him to his place, eats and drinks with him, allows him onto her bed, changes into pyjamas because clothes are overrated and yet does not have sex with him. This really proves men are by nature not rapists, only some who are psychopaths are. Despite dying to have sex with her this 66 inches tall guy did not attempt any forced love making, Clearly he is the victim here. What an ordeal he must have endured? And men, hope this story will open your stupid eyes. If your dick is going to throw you at the mercy of such lousy women, better bobbitize yourselves for the betterment of ‘men’kind.
Kill yourself.
nah man you’re a dipshit, the 66” guy (still LOLing at you saying that) is straight up dumb. This gal is young, and figuring out herself/how to deal with future interests (hence; BLOGGING), and she clearly learned some valuable lessons in the process. She mostly sounds like an altruistic person, therefore she made a mistake of hoping he was on her level, unfortunately most are not. Especially in the early 20’s.
in any case, respect yourself more than to invite two strange gentlemen into your home at 3am.
PRO TIP: if you invite a guy over after midnight, his FIRST thought is sex, and even if he is a good natured well mannered man… it will still be the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th thought. We’re all human, and we all wanna fuck.
Some men just can’t take a hint. Just because you accepted his offer of pizza, of going back to your place, and of sharing your bed with him, that’s no reason for him to assume that you’re interested in having sex with him. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that accepting all of those propositions is actually a sign that you are NOT interested.
Why he couldn’t get the hint is beyond me. When guys get a little too persistent with me, I simply invite them over, have a shower with them (no touching) and then it’s off to bed. If they haven’t already gotten the hint, by then it’s crystal clear. I don’t want to criticize you but may just I say that if anything, you should have done the shower thing.
“Yes is yes.” Anything other than direct confirmation of desiring a sexual act is not a promise for anything. You have a right to your body, and you don’t owe anyone anything.
You’re a grade A dumbass aren’t you?
Attempted rape is a crime! I know you’re young, I was once too. I was in a similar situation a week before my 21st birthday, and some men do not listen when you say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t want to do this’. I didn’t stop him. In the future, if a guy suggests taking the dinner back to your place, take it as a warning sign that he is after a lot more than just a pleasant evening in your company. Those types take advantage of women living alone, and they too often will stop at nothing to get what they want. And remember: it was not your fault. You did resist and let him know that there would be no sex, and that alone should have been enough.
Sorry my dear but that’s not going to cut it. The way you’re being so nice to a guy who wants to have sex with you clearly won’t get your message if you don’t express it the way it needs to be. It looked to me as if you are allowing and teasing him because despite your words, they don’t really have an impact on him, because his desire to sleep with you is strong. If someone is assaulting you, would you just talk him out of it and say you’re not interested, or would you get your message across by speaking up and making things clear with actions? Some guys just don’t get the hint or your words. I find it very foolish. It’s time to take some intiative, decisively say “no”, and weigh up your options. Clearly pizza was the main highlight but you could’ve just ate it outside instead of eating at your house with a guy during midnight inviting him in. He may have had other worse motives since he’s a stranger? Plus you let him get to bed with you after he kissed you and told you he liked you in the living room. He touched you a big deal, teased and flirted with you, and said he wanted to sleep with you… So even though you may say no gently to his words and actions, that’s no way to act around an aggressive and starving guy who takes you as his prey. Don’t invite anyone next time if you don’t want to sleep with them. Be prepared and know that things doesn’t go exactly as you planned and wanted it to be, if you don’t take the right precautions. The world isn’t that nice. Also, stay safe.