I’ve never really believed in horoscopes. I think they’re fascinating (although more often than not you’ll hear me screeching “THAT’S TRUE! HOW DO THEY KNOW?!” when I read one). I refuse to believe that someone can know intimate detail about my life just by my birthday. But that still doesn’t negate the intriguing factor accompanying horoscopes. So, for your entertainment, I’ve compiled a hilarious, and possibly not accurate, horoscope.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You often have a smug-like expression to accompany your ram-like eyebrows. Any song written about a “hard-headed woman” was probably written about you. You usually do the wrong thing, but refuse to discuss it. Never point out to an Aries that they did something wrong, or else you’ll receive possible bodily harm, and regret it forever. Aries enjoy being around Pisces, as they help keep them grounded.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are a brooding emotion incarnate. Your emotions go up and down like a sailboat caught in a hurricane. Your excuse for doing something reckless or violent is “Just cuz”. You love happy movies, but you fight with all waiters. You hold grudges against people for things that haven’t actually happened. You answer every question with another question. There’s a chance you’re from Milwaukee.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
People love Geminis like they love Schizophrenics. They are extremely talented at pool and air hockey. Gemini is Latin for “I’m okay, I’m okay”. Gemini’s often speak very loudly in order to be heard. However, they are often found talking to themselves. Loudly. Your favorite place to argue with yourself is while in the bathtub.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You like to know what’s going on in EVERYONE’S lives. However, you tend to not really know what’s going on in your own life. Whether you’re aware of it or not, all Cancers are born with an amazing talent in cross-stitch. Cancers will show up at your doorstep with homemade soup when even the slightest thing goes wrong in your life. As far as a Cancer is concerned, there are only two types of people in the world. You’re still trying to figure out which you are, though.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You grab attention any way you can. You kiss a lot of mirrors (a perfect ten, amiright?). Other famous Leos include Genghis Khan and Barney the Dinosaur. Leos often interrupt conversations and you bodily prevent people from leaving before you’re done talking. Your favorite way to celebrate birthdays is with a parade in your honor. You need physical attention at ALL times. You crave shock value. And really, it’s nice that you’re trying to become closer to your coworkers, but you really should notice that they’re politely trying to edge away.
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22)
You color coordinate your closet in the most meticulous way. You wouldn’t be caught dead belching. Not even in the privacy of your own home. You scrub every inch of your home, twice daily, with a toothbrush. Nothing gets past you. The easiest way to freak out a Virgo is to tell them there is something between their teeth. Virgo’s have a really hard time coping if they realize that something has rolled under the fridge.
Libra (Sept 23-October 22)
You are so elegant and tasteful that it causes nausea in others. You can’t make a decision without enlisting the help of your entire neighborhood. You will hate on a budding trend, but you’ll be seen sporting it the next day. You eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures you have no desire to understand. You single-handedly started the cappuccino movement.
Scorpio (October 23-Nov 21)
You’ve known more about computers longer than any human you know, and you show off this knowledge constantly. Fun fact: Most hackers are Scorpios. Many Scorpios have learned how to successfully smoke in the shower. You use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. You live for Halloween, and have a very strong sex drive. Scorpios will always offer up advice on matters that are of no concern to them.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
As born adventurers, you enjoy squashing spiders with your bare hands and walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning lights on. You would rather suffer bodily harm than do something the easy way. You ask a lot of questions during church. A Sagittarius isn’t capable of being unhip.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Capricorns are always en route to their next delusion of grandeur. You’re pretty good at math, and you make sure that everyone knows it. In the event of a nuclear war, only Capricorns and cockroaches would survive. You organize your life using a filofax.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You love to party. Any time. It’s practically your motto. An Aquarius would rather not be wearing pants the majority of the time. Fruit Loops is their meal of choice. Aquarius sport of choice is volleyball, which you can occasionally be seen playing by yourself. You often are heard talking about your most recent out-of-body experience, which apparently happen on the daily.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Your entire life is something that you try to draw parallels to “The Velveteen Rabbit”. Everyone laughs at everything you do, but it’s not because you’re trying to be funny. You remember what you were wearing on December 19th, 2011, but you have a hard time remembering your address. If you can’t find something, you cry. You hope to achieve greatness through a convenient fluke. A Pisces talks way too much and does whatever the hell they want.
One of my absolute favorite things about horoscopes is, besides comparing myself to my appropriate sign (I’m a Pisces), is analyzing who else in my life fits their appropriate signs. And then I laugh my butt off and send a copy to everyone I know and cry if they don’t think it’s as funny as I do. Because I think it’s hilarious.
Featured image via Brian on Pexels
