It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Welcome to Benuary. Where we’re all gathered around our televisions watching Ben Higgins find love with some of America’s (and Russia’s?) eligible bachelorettes. This season, let’s try to remember what truly matters in life: finding love ABC’s requirements to be a contestant is a great headshot/pose and you must weigh 100-125 pounds.
As we all know, #BachelorNation, was heartbroken when Ben didn’t get a rose from Kaitlyn Bristowe, but not really because he’s s i n g l e. Now, things have taken a turn for him since he’ll be the one giving out roses while Chris Harrison assures us every week will be the most dramatic episode in the history of ABC’s The Bachelor.
Here are the brutally honest rankings of this seasons contestants of The Bachelor:
Amanda “Mandi” K. – 28, Dentist, Portland, Oregon
AKA “THE HORROR MOVIE DENTIST”
Mandi, who is a bit out there, showed up wearing a giant rose on her head, so she’s at least not the typical Bachelor girl we see. She claimed she picked it from the garden and that he can “pollinate it later”…uh, if I understood that correctly, she wants him to jizz on her head? Got it. She also identifies as a girl who drinks too much and I really hope we get to see this attribute in all its glory on the show.
Amanda S. – 25, Esthetician, Rancho Santa Margarita, California
AKA “THE MOM”
Amanda is a mother of two adorable daughters, and knows a shit ton about faces. She’s pretty normal, I guess (so far), except her voice sounds like she’s constantly sick… I wish her well this season, but let’s be honest here…the moms never win.
Amber – 30, Bartender, Chicago, Illinois
AKA “THE MASOCHIST”
Amber was previously on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor as well as last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. I happen to like her personality as much as I’ve seen it on the show(s) but this is starting to get depressing. Does she enjoy being rejected on live television or something?
Becca – 30, Chiropractic assistant, San Diego, California
AKA “THE VIRGIN”
Like Amber, Becca has also returned from the dead Chris Soules’ season, which is funny because she was the runner-up on Chris’ season, which happened less than a year ago? Does she just think she will be a good match with any man just because he is The Bachelor? And I know we’re all wondering if she is still a virgin.
Caila – 23, Software Sales Representative, Hudson, Ohio
AKA “CATCH & RELEASE”
Caila happens to have the same career as Ben. There’s nothing offensive about her that makes her depressing but there’s nothing exciting that makes her stand out either. She just seems…meh. Also, how the f*ck do we pronounce her name again, cause all I’m thinking of is Caillou.
Emily – 22, Twin, Las Vegas, Nevada
AKA “DUMB”
Emily’s occupation is ‘twin’? Let’s just let that sink in for a moment. They claim “you can’t beat this…” (in reference to the fact that they are twins) but, I’m sorry, you definitely can ‘beat this’, just ask Chris Brown. Too much?
Haley – 22, Twin, Las Vegas, Nevada
AKA “DUMBER”
Haley is Emily’s said ‘twin’. Literally the same f*cking thing you read above. I’m over this shit.
Jackie – 23, Gerontologist, San Francisco, California
AKA “SAVE THE CRAZY”
Jackie is a ‘gerontologist’ which in case you don’t know what that is, don’t worry I googled it for both our sakes, it means you study aging. Which I think is kinda cool unless it’s completely made up and she just like sells skin care products or something. Also, she thought giving Ben a fake Save The Date for their future “wedding” would be cute, not crazy. I’ll give it a try next time I see someone I like, cause guys like that shit, right?
Jami – 23, Bartender, St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
AKA “CANADA”
Jami’s favorite book is The Crucible which means someone assigned that to her in high school or college and she doesn’t read anything in her life and had to pick something. She also knows Kaitlyn Bristowe, which makes sense after Kaitlyn supposedly telling Jami that Ben has a “really, really, really, really, big…heart.” Is being perverted like a requirement to live in Canada or something, because if so, I think I’m living in the wrong country.
Jennifer – 25, Small Business Owner, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
AKA “HE DOESN’T NEED TO REMEMBER MY NAME”
Jennifer apparently likes tanning in the nude, so she’s adventurous with a bit of a risky/risqué side. She also forgot to tell him her name, sooo maybe she’s been getting a little too much sun.
Joelle “Jo Jo” – 24, Real Estate Developer, Dallas, Texas
AKA “THE UNICORN”
Jo Jo is a southern girl who likes Jesus, pizza, and wine. She also likes emerging from limos in a unicorn mask and then telling Ben to “come find me later.” It would be super creepy and weird if she wasn’t so cute, and if she was a guy.
Jubilee – 24, War Veteran, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
AKA “BADASS MOTHER F*CKER”
Jubilee is a war veteran which is super kickass so she gets to be on the ‘less depressing’ end of the spectrum. The only downfall is she is your typical female and says “like” one too many times in her sentences.
Lace – 25, Real Estate Agent, Denver, Colorado
AKA “THE AGGRESSIVE DRUNK”
Lace steals the first kiss from Ben, and then tries to steal a second one later, and gets denied real quick. Shots fired! Apparently if she’s interested in you, and you know it, you better get real creepy with your eye contact. This bitch be crazy. She’s also the drunk of the group, because it’s not The Bachelor/Bachelorette without a lush. We later hear she gave one of the girls in the house a black eye. As much as I hate her, I can’t wait to see what kind of drama she’s going to stir up.
Lauren “LB” B. – 23, Fashion Buyer, Stillwater, Oklahoma
AKA “WHO?”
LB doesn’t seem to be too memorable as of right now. But according to her bio she seems like a “fun, free-spirited” girl. Her occupation is “fashion buyer”…sooo she’s just a shopper, she literally buys fashion? Cool. I guess we can all add that job title to our resumes too.
Lauren B. – 25, Flight Attendant, Marina Del Ray, California
AKA “IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER PUT A WING ON IT”
Lauren claims she will be #Mrs.Higgins, and I’m thinking #No, just because she used a stupid hashtag. She was the first one out of the limo and Ben seemed to like her. After she walked inside, he said that it was a “great start to the night.” So, who knows, I could be wrong.
Lauren H. – 25, Kindergarten Teacher, Ann Arbor, Michigan
AKA “THE LAST LAUREN…FINALLY”
Lauren is a kindergarten teacher. Honestly, what is it with this show and women being kindergarten teachers? Are there literally no other types of people who audition?
Leah – 25, Event Planner, Denver, Colorado
AKA “MY NEW BEST FRIEND”
Leah is twerking on the wall in a bridesmaid dress in her Bachelor audition tape and is getting her tattoos lasered off, so she’s no stranger to regrettable decisions. This could make for some truly awesome television. Besides Leah basically being a dude in a gown, she has potential to be my new BFF. I’m just concerned as to why she thought squatting, spreading her legs, lifting her dress up, and throwing a football to Ben was a good idea. Awk.
Olivia – 23, News Anchor, Austin, Texas
AKA “CUTE BUT CRAZY”
Olivia’s biggest fear is being alone. I feel you girl. I want to say she seems super nice and perfect, but I don’t know, previews of future episodes make it seem like she’s pretty fake and lies about everything. Also, we’re both the same age, how the actual f*ck is she a news anchor and I’m struggling to put pants on in the morning?
Rachel – 23, Unemployed, Little Rock, Arkansas
AKA “WANNABE TROPHY WIFE”
Rachel is unemployed and wants to have a husband, house, kids, dogs, and money. Long list of demands for someone who doesn’t have a job… Her longest relationship didn’t work out because her boyfriend was “more interested in being popular” than dating her. Is that even a thing?! Did this relationship happen in high school? She also showed up on a hover board…who bought you that? Daddy? I hope the battery catches on fire.
Samantha – 26, Attorney, New Smyrna Beach, Florida
AKA “THE TRAGIC LIFE STORY”
Samantha seems to be the most family oriented one out of the group, because her “parent’s approval means everything.” Gag me now. She also looks a hell of a lot older than what her bio says. And it wouldn’t be The Bachelor without a tragic family story, just like the drunk, there’s always one.
Shushanna – 27, Mathematician, Salt Lake City, Utah
AKA “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”
Shushanna is this seasons curve ball; she doesn’t even speak English…cause that makes perfect f*cking sense. I’m hoping she sticks around for a bit or maybe for the whole season and *cue plot twist* she actually can speak perfect English, she was just mind f*cking everyone for the hell of it. If not, then I don’t know why the hell she’s even on this show.
I don’t know about you, but Ben needs to quickly get rid of a shit ton of these girls because writing this piece was exhausting and I’m ready for a drink. Woof. I honestly don’t even know why Ben is on this show… Everything he could ever want in a girl, is me. So, like, hi?
This season I’m looking forward to the lies, backstabs, and drama, as are all of you. And to quote the badass Jubilee, “All’s fair in love and war, right?”, so, bring the claws out and let the games begin ladies. Scroll down to take a poll on who you think Ben will pick to marry him!
Check back next week for the recap of the next episode! The Bachelor airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Featured image via Ben Higgins on Instagram
