Now, it is almost impossible for me to give you an exact version of what is running through every guy’s head during sex because, well, I am not Professor Xavier from the X-Men. However, I will do the best with what I have, which is my own personal experiences as well as the experiences of many friends and acquaintances who pretty willingly shared their stories. This here is an in-depth look at what goes on inside of a guy’s head while they are having sex. Disclaimer: it’s not as pretty as you may assume.
1. Oh god, boobs. BOOBS! LOOK AT HER BOOBS!
2. I need to get this bra off quickly, I want her to know I’ve done this before.
3. Do I get a condom? Does she want me to get a condom?
4. Wow, it feels nice in there.
5. Mmmmkay, find that little spot there, boom.
6. Oh shit, where did it go?
7. I swear I just had it. DAMNIT!
8. SUCCESS! I FOUND IT AGAIN!
9. I am a pro at thi…WHERE DID IT GO!?
10. Forget it, you’re trying too hard.
11. Am I making enough noise? Should I be moaning too?
12. Should I switch positions? I’m kinda into this one.
13. Ready, and FLIP!
14. Wow, that position change worked a lot better than I anticipated.
15. I am lasting FOREVER! I feel like I can do this for at least an HOUR!
16. Uh oh…Don’t finish, don’t finish, don’t finish!
17. ABCDEFGH…
18. He needs a breather, he needs a breather!
19. Quickly, head down for a bit of oral fun!
20. Okay, here we are, give him some cool down time.
21. JACKPOT, found that spot first try, I am again, amazing.
22. Wow, my jaw hurts.
23. I wonder if my roommates can hear us.
24. Time to get this show back on the road.
25. Annnnnnd, back in there.
26. OH NO, OH NO, NOT ENOUGH COOL DOWN TIME!
27. Go as fast as you can for the last bit to make it seem like that’s what caused it!
28. What do I do with it?? Should I ask her?
29. Man, good thing I put this condom on!
30. Pheeeww, wow, that was intense…I wonder if she’s ready for round two.
There you have it people: a look at the dire and extreme thoughts that a man is having while sexual intercourse is taking place. It goes from admiration, to contemplation, to fear, to wonder, and finally, to ejaculation. Sorry, gross word, but it just flowed so well! Ew, don’t use the words ejaculation and flow in the same sentence. Shit, I did it again. I apologize. In any case, this article is only a first look into the mind of men while performing sex, we’re deep and complex creatures and I will be researching further in order to fully disseminate these thoughts with the world. Please maintain patience during this unruly process.
Featured image via screengrab of Trainwreck.
This was hilarious!! i showed it to all my friends
Hey, thanks! I had a good time writing it! Thanks for the feedback!