The Struggle Of Being Just A Little Too ‘Small’ For Plus Size

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been the “big girl”. The rolls on my belly have always been there, like fresh dough rising in the oven. My face has always been perfectly round, with my cheeks puffed out, perfect for squeezing. My siblings taunted me by calling me “thunder thighs”, but I guess my thighs are not thundery enough. I’m trapped between “regular” sizes and the plus size rack – I’m a fashion wanderer.

Shopping for clothing is often a nightmare. I guess you could describe my shape as looking kind of like a pear. I’m thick on the bottom, I’ve got a big booty, and thighs that definitely could create some thunder. My pudgy belly protrudes over the waistline of low rise pants and my upper body is smaller than the bottom. My arms definitely have some extra loving to go around. When I step into a store that carries regular sizes,

I can’t quite seem to find things that fit right.

Often, the belly of a long sleeve top will be perfect, but the arms will be snug. Dresses are next to impossible to find because they are either too tight on my waist and hips, or don’t fit over my breasts. Finding jeans that fit my thunderous thighs is a nightmare, and tops that don’t swallow me whole are equally as challenging to find.  

Often I will find myself looking at the models pictures hanging around the store, trying to find some inspiration. They have taut little waists, thighs that don’t stretch pants to the limits, and perky breasts. These are all things that I don’t see when I look in the mirror. I think to myself, it’s fine, I’ll step into the plus size store and all will be solved. But I am so wrong.

The tops are just a little too big around the arms. Pants that can actually fit around my voluptuous thighs, leave me with a gaping waistline. Breasts that are too big to fit into the “regular” clothing, are swallowed up, despite the rest of the top fitting perfectly. I look around and see models that don’t look like me. Their waists are rounder, their breasts are larger, and their arms have even more loving ability than mine do. 

I am a misfit. When I’m searching for clothing, I am stranded in the no-woman’s land of fashion and I don’t know where to go. When my thin friends want to go shopping, I know that I am shopping for them and not for me. It’s just not fun for someone else to hop from store to store, helping me assemble a wardrobe piece by piece.

I’ve had to get really good at buying for the future. If I find something that fits me well, I’ve got to get one in every color. When I hit the denim jackpot, I buy them in three’s. I mean, how else does one navigate the see-saw of being too thin and too curvy at the same time? I’m 22 and I don’t have a good answer yet.

I’m really lucky that when I look in the mirror I’m happy with what I see. Yes, my thighs are bigger than I would like at times, and there are days when I wish my breasts could shrink or grow just a bit to help me fit into tops. I just hope that someday I can firmly plant myself on one end of the see-saw, but until then, I’ll continue to bounce up and down between too small and too big.

Featured image via Billie on Unsplash