Let’s be honest: love is great and all but the real reason we’re all here is to hate-watch a ridiculous show and tear these contestants to shreds. Nothing makes you feel like an amazing human being quite like watching these trainwrecks fight to the death over some random chick.
After that contest to see which man could best protect JoJo set women back about 40 years, the rest of the episode left us to dissect and criticize the worst of the worst.
Chad:
Oh Chad, how do I hate thee. Let me count the ways: Your stupid abs – you think they’re hot, I think they make you look like the douchiest douchebag on the face of the earth. You have no friends (except Daniel, but he’s not a legit person so he doesn’t count) – I guess you think you’re the only friend you need but you’re so wrong. You have a f*cking suitcase in between your legs and you think you’re tough? F*ck off Chad Bro Chad. Also, STOP F*CKING EATING SO DAMN MUCH BRO. I get it, you’re carbo-loading, but shit man, you’re taking this to a whole new level. Never in the history of Bachelor Nation has a contestant ever turned the group of guys into a f*cking protein shake… WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS GOING ON GUYS?! You called JoJo “naggy”, not the best word to use to describe the girl you intend on marrying you dick shit. It’s a little funny how you talk shit on all the other guys for being giddy over her, but you kiss her once and turn into a little school girl. You know what you are Chad? You’re the male equivalent to Olivia from Bachelor Ben Higgins’ Season. The hole in her mouth was just constantly open, while your mouth hole was constantly filled with enough food to feed a third world country. And you also interrupt everyone’s time with her, just. like. Olivia. Oh and everyone hates you. So to put this shit “nicely”, you’re tacky and I hate you.
Ali:
You look like a werewolf, and your face kind of makes me mad. There’s really nothing you can do about it but I don’t think I like you. You sort of look like you belong in the movie Twilight. I think Jacob Black is looking for you. If I were you JoJo, I would keep an eye out on this one around a full moon…just saying.
Evan:
He really had no chance of me liking him with that hair/goatee combo. You’re an expert on all things Erectile Dysfunction, and no, I don’t want to know how you’re an expert. You also have kids, though it’s not a bad thing, but we all know the parents usually don’t last too long.
Daniel:
There’s no coming back from last week. He could save a litter of kittens from drowning and I’d still want nothing to do with him…the cats? Yes, hand them over. You? No, go back to Canada. You look like a tool, you and Chad Bro Chad have soooo much in common. #BromanceProteinShake, you prissy little gym bitches.
Though we have a couple of assholes that we could gladly rip a new asshole every night for the rest of our lives or this season, let’s discuss the top runners after last night’s episode shall we?
Wells:
He’s super funny, adorable, and incredibly charming. If JoJo doesn’t keep him around for the sole fact that he’s entertaining as hell and can make her laugh then I don’t know what she’s doing with her life.
Grant:
He’s a firefighter and a genuine human. For the sake of humankind on this show, I hope JoJo keeps him around.
Luke:
He needs a slight attitude adjustment but other than that he’s still one of our favs, he’s intense but who knows…that may be a good thing if he makes it to the fantasy suite date. Bowchickawowow.
Derek:
He has the same name as my ex but is nothing like him, which is a pretty great thing. He’s a little sweetheart.
James Taylor:
The note he wrote to JoJo was adorbs and made my black heart blush. He thinks he’s out of JoJo’s league but little does he know, JoJo would be a smart woman to go for someone like him in the end.
Chase:
Some men make it rain (like ones at a strip club), but he made it snow and it made our frozen hearts thaw out a bit.
Jordan:
He’s cute and he’s athletic, he didn’t do much to stand out this week that much but we all know JoJo is gonna keep him around possibly probably till the end.
And here we are…the final minutes of this episode and Chad Bro Chad is still eating God knows what! Seriously, F*CK THIS SHOW. I hate this shit, I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel like this is turning into that part in a term paper where you’re just ranting on and on to fill up space. I seriously have nothing else to give about this episode. I’m tired and my patience is just gone. Nowhere to be f*cking found. I need a hobby, and it can’t be watching this bullshit we call “reality TV”. Reality my ass. NO ONE HAS DATES LIKE THESE!! AND THERE WILL NEVER BE 26 MEN FIGHTING FOR MY UNDYING LOVE AND ATTENTION. F*ck this, I’m done. Apparently next week there will be two episodes over the course of two nights, and it promises even more Chad Bro Chad drama and “dream” dates. Can’t f*cking wait.
Check back next week for the recap of the next 2 episodes (or don’t, I don’t give a shit anymore)! The Bachelorette airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Collaboration with Heather Thompson.
Featured Image via screengrab from The Bachelorette.
