Alright crew, we’ve reached week 4 of The Bachelorette, which means the contestants are getting a little stir crazy. This week we see the emergence of a new Queen Bee in the house emerge, Alex, who seems to be loving the drama a little too much, and we see Jordan show us why he’s a clear-cut front-runner. Oh and Chad finally leaves. To bury more bodies, I’m assuming.
Without further ado, let’s discuss all the thoughts that ran through your head during last night’s episode:
- “She thinks I’m too intense or something.” – Chad (I don’t know if intense is the right word…)
- “Sometimes when you’re backed into a corner, you sometimes have to do things that aren’t pretty.” – Chad (You def killed someone before Chad Bro Chad.)
- CHAD, HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU BACK? – You don’t belong here anymore.
- Alex winning the two-on-one date turned into a hero’s welcome home party with a cake to the face with fireworks that really should’ve been lit outside, not in a mansion.
- Great job Chase – put a pretty girl in a big bouncy ball and tell her to run into you. One hell of a way to relieve some stress.
- All these bros are turning into mini little Chad monsters.
- Wells is a wise man – you all had a common enemy when Chad was there, now you all will have to hate each other. #BattleOfTheBromances
- Jordan is a smooth little criminal – kissing the crap out of her up against a wall and shit.
- Okay…I guess JoJo is cool with erectile dysfunction bullshit. Why she kept Evan – the world may never know.
- Thank God we got rid of the Canadian, right? Now, we’re back to an All-American Show.
- Anddd we’re off to Uruguay. (Half of these guys don’t know where this shit even is, but let’s f*cking do it).
- JoJo: “I wish I could read your mind.” Jordan: “I’m really not thinking anything.” Best.
- Ooooohhh, we got some tabloid drama. The OG Chad Bro Chad makes yet another appearance. And JoJo even looks pretty crying…WTF.
- Why did the guys even have this magazine in the house anyway? #GrownMenGossip
- I love how these men are all taking her side and supporting her while just 10 minutes ago they were questioning her motive.
- Alex actually looks a lot better with facial hair…and he successfully did a backflip on a sand hill…talent.
- It’s bothersome how freakishly similar Robby’s looks are to Ken Barbie.
- Luke makes my heart flutter a little.
- Robby’s making a real play for creepiest guy on the show. Can’t put my finger on it, but something’s not quite right with that one.
- How have we not realized that Derek is actually John Krasinski!?
- WTF is up with Alex and Evan always starting some shit with another guy in the house? #ShortGuySyndrome
- Alex is like uncomfortably short – and this is coming from a girl who stands at a whopping 5’2”.
- Welp, Derek got the rose – Alex is gonna be pissed.
- So glad these men are comparable to Mean Girls characters.
- I don’t know why you would give up playing with a dog on a beach for Robby…but what the f*ck ever.
- “Robby is the perfect combination of fun and flirty…” And gay. God that man is either so metro or the fakest straight gay guy ever.
- Wow, who would’ve thought the shortest man here (Alex) would be the biggest douche ever.
- Robby: “I’m a very emotional person, I get it from my mom.” SOFTTTT.
- God, Robby’s face is so damn shiny…I wonder what moisturizer he uses?
- Uh oh, Derek confronts the Mean Girls clique.
- Alex, baby, listen…Derek pulled you guys aside to discuss the “petty bull” that you started…
- I applaud you Grant – not conforming to the childish high school ways the guys are reverting to.
- DAMNNNNNNN JOJO…YOU’RE SENDING 3 GUYS GOING HOME THIS TIME?!
- You ain’t wasting time girl, thanks for that because I f*cking hate this show.
I learned an important lesson today that I feel I should share with everyone. The leading cause of erectile dysfunction is getting rejected by a pretty girl who is far out of your league. JK. But maybe probably not…scientists and medical experts should def look into that. I may be onto something here.
We’ve gotten one pipsqueak out-of-the-way (Evan) let’s try and figure out how we can get rid of Alex. Let’s just hope he makes an asshole out of himself and gets his midget ass sent home. I honestly can’t f*cking wait for next week when it looks like JoJo is sending even more guys home. The sooner this show is over the better. I can’t believe I wasted hours of my vacation to watch this stupid show and f*cking write a recap on it.
Anyone else wondering where Chad Bro Chad is? Probably whistling in some woods somewhere…walking back to his house where he has dead bodies in the basement, heads in the freezer, limbs in a blue barrel of some weird liquid, and some teeth in a jar or on a necklace. Oh, and there’s definitely some protein powder or a shake nearby…
Check back next week for the recap of the next episode (or don’t, I don’t give a shit anymore)! The Bachelorette airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Collaboration with Heather Thompson.
Feature Image via screengrab from The Bachelorette.
