Honestly, you have had me puzzled for some time now. I’ve been stuck somewhere in between the idea that you could have possibly been the best, or worst, person to once be a part of my life. It’s not because you loved too strongly or pushed me to flourish beyond my potential, and it’s definitely not because you brought out the side of me that no one else could. In fact, I am leaning toward the you were the best thing that ever happened to me side, because you didn’t do any of those things.
You actually destroyed me and I thank you for that.
At first, like every fresh relationship, you made me feel like I was your picture perfect partner. I didn’t need to change to fit your needs and my goals were fully encouraged by you. You enjoyed time spent with my family and even began to build a good relationship with them. I thought what we had was going to go further than two years, but I thank God a million times a day it didn’t.
I can still hear you asking me if I was “really going to wear those leggings out in public” and then top it off with “you’re just asking for other guy’s attention”. I can still see your unforgiving glare when I defended myself from your harsh assumptions. I can still feel the twisting of my stomach when you insisted I was a liar and cheater because I had friends of the opposite gender. I still cringe from your comment “I don’t know where you get your money from” when you refused to let me treat you to dinner. I still question if I am “not good at being a girlfriend”. But most of all, I still remember all the endless opportunities I was given to leave you – but I didn’t. Most of the time I regret not leaving, I regret not packing up my things sooner and getting out of your mind game madness. But, I am only 21, I am far too young to have big regrets and you sure as hell are not going to give me my first.
Now, two years later, I have learned that everything you put me through changed me, but it was for the better. I have learned to stand up for myself and what I believe is right. I no longer hide behind a fake smile and laugh when I am uncomfortable or upset. I have learned that I shouldn’t need to use my resilience as a constant defense. I have learned that just because someone says they are sorry doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to put effort into changing the issue. Just because someone says they are sorry, it doesn’t always mean anything at all.
At last, here is the part you would be waiting for, the part where I once again grow weak and watch your power hungry-self swell, but this time it’s different – I want to thank you. Thank you for stomping me down and allowing me to become a stronger individual. Since we parted ways, I have found happiness in my own skin and amongst those who never hurt me or left my side. Thank you for showing me what shouldn’t happen in love and what it should be like to be cared for. Because of you I guarded my heart a little more carefully and am now happily in a relationship where I never feel belittled. But most of all, I want to thank you for destroying what I thought could have been, because the life I’m living now, with him, is what I should have waited for all along.
Featured image via Nicolas Postiglioni on Pexels
