It’s been a year. A whole 365 days, and here I am, sitting, in tears because of you. But this isn’t because you broke my heart. This isn’t because you left me for her. This isn’t because I had to learn how to breathe without you. This is because you made me change; your actions affected every ounce of my being and made me change in all aspects of my life.
I no longer know how to feel anything.
I was telling someone the other day about how I truly think I am incapable of feeling anything for another person again. And at first they laughed, and I laughed too, and we joked about how ridiculous I sounded. But then I thought about it, and I am actually right. In 365 days, I have never said the words I love you and meant it as when I said it to you. In 365 days, I have never felt so safe, so secure and so sure that everything would be okay as I did when you were with me. Because 365 days ago, I had you.
No matter what was going on, no matter what went wrong or right, I never ever doubted anything because in my mind I would always say “it’s going to be okay, I have him”. I had absolutely no doubt that you would be around for the rest of my life. I had full confidence that no matter how depressed I got, that how sad I was, or how much I didn’t like my self that you would always love and support me. But now, there’s none of that support, that joy, that love that you gave me; you’re gone.
The best part about all of this is that I actually don’t know how to maintain any type of relationship now. I have perfected the art of pushing away anyone who tries getting close to me, building the walls up taller than they have ever been and painting a mask that is thick enough to last for another 365 days.
People who love me get hurt because I no longer prioritize people, I prioritize work. My closest friends no longer know what is going on in my life because I internalize everything and very rarely share with anyone what I’m actually feeling. I never want to show that I care about a job opportunity or about school clubs in case I somehow fail or get let down – because all of that would require showing some feeling.
It has not been easy, these past 365 days. There have been people who I have consistently pushed away, but they haven’t gone anywhere. They have stayed by me and helped patch up the gap you left in my chest.
Now, a note to all the amazing people who are still in my life: although on the outside it looks like I don’t care, or that I am impartial to having you around – I’m not. I would not have survived the past 365 days without you, I would not have laughed and smiled more in the past 365 than I have in several years without you, and I certainly would not be on the way to being the happiest I have ever been without you.
Although a boy might have broken me, you helped fix me. And I might not be whole just yet, but I am getting there. I might not know how to show someone how much I love them yet, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it. You know me better than I know myself, so I know that you know I am sorry for all the pushing away that I have done, all the cold shoulders I have given, and all the things I haven’t said.
One day, I’ll get back to who I was. I will learn to open up to someone, to throw myself into something 100%, to not be afraid of what could happen if I get hurt again. But until then, we are here. 365 days of progress, and many more to come.
Featured image via Tuấn Kiệt Jr. on Pexels
