Why do I keep coming back to you? Why do I feel so deep and never stop caring? Why is it that you are the one that makes me forget about the path I am taking and makes me backtrack to a person I don’t want to be? Why do I always feel like I am waiting for your next move? Why do I care so much about your life, when you give no notice to mine? Why am I willing to put myself on the line, just to get hurt by you one more time? Why is it that everytime I take a step forward, you pull me back? Just tell me, why?
Is it because I am weak? I am a strong woman. I work hard. I fight harder. But with you, I forget my rules. I forget my morals. I forget everything I stand for. I forget the strength that I have and buckle at the knees just at the sound of your voice. I forget that I have set the bar high for you ,and I let you slide back in every time. I let you get the best of me.
Is it because you are too good for me? I know there is better out there. I know there are men with more qualities that are better suited for me. I know there are men that will return my calls every single time. I know there are men that will never stop pursuing me, even when I give them reason to. I know there are men that are good hearted and kind, but yet I fall back into your mind games. You win this game every time.
Is it because I am lonely? I am comfortable on my own. I have walked my own path; I have paved my own way. I know that I can do it, but without you, I feel this loneliness. I feel this emptiness of not having you around. Not having you work for my attention, and then I give in. I always have this need to please you, even when I can’t get it in return. I am always searching for you.
Is it because I believe in you? I know that you can be a good guy when you want to be. I know that you can give me attention, more than just when you need it in return. I know that you could make a girl extremely happy. I know that you are better than the life you choose, but I am never the choice you make. I know the way you are with others, why can’t I have it that way too?
Am I the problem? I have been single for too long. I have tried and I have failed. I have changed myself and hated it. I have been myself and been looked down on for it. I have changed my methods, and yet the same pattern falls into place. At night, I end up back in his arms, knowing in the morning nothing will have changed. I always let you get what you want.
So what keeps me holding on? You leave me hanging on to your last word. You insult my intelligence with the lies that you tell. You don’t see the beauty in myself that I see. You harshly look at my life and make me question who I am. You touch me in a way that makes me uncomfortable with my curves. You speak in a way that makes my heart cringe. You make me shake with anxiety knowing I am not the only one. You put me at war with myself; My soul telling me no and my heart saying don’t let go. You breathe nothing but vodka and toxin, but yet I am by your side the moment you call. To me, you are my drug.
So why do I keep coming back for more?
Featured image via Adril Kurdi on Pexels
