I woke up yesterday to a snow covered world. The sun was shining through the trees, making the world glisten in a way I hadn’t seen in a long time. As the soft flakes fell from the sky, I began to feel alive. I was filled with wonder. I felt as if anything was possible. I felt as if God was shining down on me, giving me the answers I had needed all along.
I took a deep breath of the cold air and let hope fill my lungs. There was something different about today. Good things were going to come. It was the first time in a long time that I was genuinely happy. It was the first time in a long time I felt myself coming back together. It was the first time in a long time I realized that I didn’t miss you.
I didn’t think I could have these feelings again, these feelings of my own. I didn’t think I could reach this euphoric state again, without you by my side. I didn’t think I could believe in myself as much as I did right in that moment, knowing that I was standing on my own. I don’t miss my lack of confidence that you made me lose.
It doesn’t hurt anymore to look at things that remind me of you. It once put so much agony on my heart, but now it is gone. You are gone. I can begin to see the beauty of what they are. I can begin to enjoy things for myself. I can begin to feel as I once did; Whole. I don’t miss missing out on the things I loved most in life.
I am no longer longing for your phone calls. To hear your voice once more. To reassure me that you are still there and that nothing has changed. To tell me again how much you need me. To show me how much you care. I don’t miss the insecurity I had when we were together.
I don’t miss the love. The love that I gave out freely, expecting nothing in return. The moments of pure bliss where you had me, all of me. The moments where I had my head so high in the sky, to not realize you weren’t there to catch me when I fell. I don’t miss the love that I was never given in return.
I don’t miss the idea of you. The idea of who I thought you were; The idea of who you are now with her. I person I knew you always could be, you just chose not to be with me. The idea of the man that I thought I had, thought I loved. I don’t miss the idea of the love I thought I had with you.
I know that there are moments you are still looking for me in the crowd. You still look for yourself in the words that I write. You still hope that I am holding on to the hope of nothing, just to be closer to you. I am sorry to tell you that I am gone. I am sorry that I am not sorry that I am gone.
Lost in my winter wonderland, I am able to stand on my own. I embrace the cold and the unknown. Just like a flake of snow, you can’t hold on to me anymore.
Featured image via Jake Ryan on Pexels
