When you first move out into your own precious apartment, you feel an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment. It’s just you and your cat watching Netflix together on the couch. At first, all is right with the world. That is until you hit the holidays. You’ve never felt more conflicted than you do right in that moment. Living alone during this time can be tough, and here are the four things you’ll feel for sure:
The Undeniable Crushing Guilt Of Moving Out
Suddenly, you’ll remember the look on your mother’s face when she dropped off the last box at your new place. You’ll remember how good your dad’s homemade Wednesday night dinners are. And you’ll get this rush of guilt and misery. After a slight cringe, you’re finally admitting that you miss your siblings. The realization dawns on you that you super, duper don’t want to be alone right now. For the lucky ones, you’ll be able to hop in your car and speed home for your holiday of choice – but for the rest of us, we’ll open up presents alone like the stubborn, independent people that we are.
The Desperate Attempt To Convince Yourself You’re Happy
You burnt your first Christmas ham? No! It’s just crunchy! The lights don’t all light up on your tree? No! It’s just an ombre effect. Even though you have no idea how your mom managed to put up all the decorations and avoided making the house look cluttered, you’re out there trying your best. And the cat that you so desperately wanted for the cute Instagram pics? She’s ruining your tinsel on the tree – but you got a Boomerang video of it, so you’re not entirely sure if you’re mad yet. No matter how shitty things get, you’re going to convince yourself it’s magical. After all, it’s your first f*cking Christmas on your own and it’s going to be perfect.
The First Existential Crisis Of Being Alone
At first, you drove back to your place so fast just to be alone. You probably meal prepped on Sundays and got excited about the new Neil Gaiman book that you could read in the glory of silence. But now, as Jingle Bell Rock bounces off your walls, the echoes only remind you of your solitude. You’re eating ramen alone again, you’ve got this pit in your stomach. This is the existential crisis. You spend so much time alone; if you were a Sim, your socialization bar would be in the red. For the first time in a long time, everyone feels so far away from you. Should you be living alone? Should you cut your lease short? It’s the first time you’ve ever doubted your decision to live alone.
The Satisfaction Of Giving Up
At some point, you give up trying to pretend everything’s okay. Because it’s not. After staying up Facebooking messaging in your group chat, your friends have reminded you that your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to feel lonely, but that doesn’t mean you should revert back to living with Mom and Dad. After downing more than your fair share of Christmas flavored bourbon, you’ve come to the conclusion that no one should spend the holidays alone. So you don’t. Either you manage to get home to your family, or you make a second family with your BFF, nothing tops the satisfaction of being with people and sharing the holiday spirit.
Living alone is both a blessing and a curse. It’s the best thing in the world to come home and not have to tolerate anyone’s shit, but it’s also the worst thing in the world to come home and feel lonely. All of the above feelings are totally normal, and experiencing them doesn’t make you any less of a badass. Go share the holidays with someone you love (be it your fam, your SO, or your BFF) because isn’t that the whole point of the holidays? Enjoy it.
Feature image via cottonbro on Pexels
