I used to be the girl that you feared. The one you read about in magazines, watched movies about, or heard horror stories of, hoping that you would never encounter her. A rare species of woman that would do what she wanted to do, not thinking twice if you were in the picture or not. A woman that had a mind set and a fire in her soul, she was going to get what she wanted and no one was going to stop her. I used to be the other woman.
I was young, naive, and craved attention from the men that were wrong for me. I was the type of girl that loved the game, the thrill. I loved the idea that he was leaving you at home, to let your mind wonder where he was, when he was coming to see me. The idea that you weren’t good enough for him, but I was. The idea that I was the one he secretly craved day in and day out.
I loved the idea that I was so powerful in this relationship we were having; I could take him from you at any time. I loved the idea that I wasn’t just wanted, I was needed. I had him addicted. I had him wrapped around my finger and could get him to do whatever I wanted him to do. And it was fun…
Until it wasn’t anymore.
Then reality set in about what I was doing. I realized that he was a bad guy. He was terrible for keeping you blinded to a failing relationship. You think that everything is fine when I am in his arms. You think you have a future with him when he is planning one with me. You think that he is in love with you when he is telling me he is ready for it to end. He was everything that I ran from, fearing to fall for.
And then I realized that I was the bad guy too. I had transformed into the person that I had always feared. A woman that I had always hated. I had no remorse for you and the situation that I was putting you in. I never feared what was going to happen to you after it ended. I never once thought about how it was going to be, for you.
I was the one that was desperate for attention, but at what cost? The one that was destroying relationships before they needed to, but for what reason? The one that was okay with a guy going home to someone else, but not with me? The one that was okay with having a broken relationship with someone just to have someone there, but why?
He was never going to respect me; I didn’t even respect myself. He was never going to leave you for me; I didn’t want a future with him. Even if he did, could I ever trust that he wouldn’t do that to me? Even if he did, could I ever believe that I would be his last one? Even if he did, could I ever look at our relationship as a real one? Even if he did, could I ever look at myself the same way again?
When it ended, he always came back looking for more. It didn’t matter where we were in our lives, and how far removed I became from that person I was so long before, he always came back. Always in search of more, because I was the only one that was willing to take him back. You were smarter than me. You moved on from his twisted ways and his mind games to find something, someone much better. I got sucked back in thinking that I was the champion in this mind game. In this twisted love affair we continue to keep playing, karma will get you every time.
He toyed with my emotions. He left me hanging. He played the same games with me as he did with you. He cheated, and yet I was the one left with nothing in the end. I should have learned that he was never going to change. I should have learned to be the one to walk away. I should have known I was going to have the same ending as you. And now I am on my own, picking up the pieces of the wreckage, trying to figure out how to begin again.
Featured image via Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash
trust your heart