When we last left the squad, they were getting freaky in Finland. Raven was about to get laid after confessing that she’s never hit that Big O. By the way they made her parade around like an idiot, seems to me she was satisfied. Anyway, for reasons unknown to me, the Bachelor was only on for an hour last week, leaving us to suffer through three hours of hell last night. Grab your wine, grab your beer, grab your weed, or whatever it takes to get you through this show, because it’s about to go down, and here’s what we’ve been thinking:
- Raven looks happy. Looks like she “came”, she saw, she conquered (yes, I made that joke, and yes, I am laughing out loud).
- Okay, this is just stupid. This montage of Raven running around like a dumb ass is stupid.
- How the f*ck does Rachel not know what cross country skiing is?
- A little part of my soul died when Rachel made the “St. Nick in the sleigh” joke. You’re better than this, Rachel.
- Rachel’s date is pretty much just making out.
- Oh, shit. Nick just broke the #1 rule: Don’t tell anyone you love them until you make your final choice. Sure, he said he’s “falling,” BUT THAT COUNTS.
- Hell, yeah you’re going so much deeper, Rachel. HEY-OOOOO!
- Rachel and Nick are nakey.
- “Today, we are going to embrace Finnish culture,” oh my god he said that with such a serious look on his face.
- Vanessa really got the shaft on this date (literally, LOL!) with her Finnish ice bath.
- They got in that ice bath way faster than I would have.
- Look at those f*cking abs. I wanna eat ice cream off those abs.
- Okay, I really don’t understand the point of jumping in the water and then running into the hut?
- Vanessa reads too far into everything Nick says. Chill, girl.
- This is awkward and I don’t get it.
- Vanessa isn’t willing to compromise at all, yet says relationships are about compromising. As the producers play ominous music.
- If I had “heavy” conversations all the time, that would make me so anxious and that wouldn’t be a relationship I would want to be in.
- Why wouldn’t you want to go to Canada? Free health care! Hockey! Justin Trudeau’s butt!
- Okay, Vanessa is kind of annoying and aggressive. It makes me anxious to watch her interactions with Nick.
- Why do they keep showing them all nakey??
- Four dates and a ton of camera people and this is your best relationship, Vanessa? Not to mention that you’re sharing him with two other people…
- Byyyyeeee, Rachel (we knew this was coming).
- There’s no way in hell that I’m watching this season of the Bachelorette.
On to the Women Tell All
- Do people actually have viewing parties? Like parties this big? Do people actually care about this show?
- This moment of Nick walking into a sorority is like every reminder as to why I never wanted to be in a sorority.
- I like how Chris Harrison just rides on the coattails of every Bachelor and Bachelorette. #ChrisHarrison4Bachelor
- I wanna throat punch Corinne, but I also love her.
- I hate these girls for trashing Corinne for taking naps. Naps are the bomb.
- Honestly, what the f*ck is going on? I can’t hear anything. They all keep talking at once.
- I literally hate Liz.
- Seriously, who are these girls? I don’t recognize half of them.
- This show has been around for like 15 years… how do you “not realize” what you’re “getting into”?
- This is like that scene from the end of Mean Girls.
- LOL’ing at Corinne for leaving to go get wine.
- No one was shaming you for being a counselor, Taylor. People were shaming your being a bitch and a bully.
- Jasmine’s eye roll is allllll of us right now.
- Corinne has a point. She never did anything to attack anyone except for Taylor, but bitch had it comin’.
- Who the f*ck are you, Lacey?
- Omg, are they seriously having a full blown argument about napping? What is this world coming to?
- I LOVE CORINNE.
- It really bugs me that they’re eating that cheese pasta with spoons…
- Three hours of the Bachelor is three hours too many.
- #Kristina4Bachelorette
- Leave, Liz. Now.
- Am I the only one who doesn’t recall Nick telling Danielle that he could see himself getting engaged to her? No?
- Did I mention that I’m not going to be watching the Bachelorette? It’s not that I have beef with Rachel. It’s just that she’s boring AF.
- Pretty sure these girls are the only ones excited for Rachel to be the Bachelorette.
- I have a feeling that Nick is going to be peacing out solo next week.
We’re almost done with the season! That means that all you boyfriends who have been forced to watch this show, you’re almost free. I am almost free of my obligations to America of providing updates, and for those of you that are now balls deep in this show and too far to turn back, your obligation to continue watch is also almost over. Hang in there, friends.
Feature image via screengrab of the Bachelor
