There are days when I look back and can do nothing but hate you. I think about all the times you made me feel jaded, all the times that you made me feel neglected, all the times you made me feel inadequate. I remember all the tears that were shed and all the moments wasted fighting for your attention. I think back to all the moment that I felt like a hollow soul and I question how I let it get this far. But then I look closer at the pain and I realize, I am the only one to blame.
I should have been more observant. You weren’t interested in what I had to say and you made it clear, but I still stood there screaming at the top of my lungs. You were clear that you didn’t want to be a part of my everyday life, yet I kept inserting myself in yours, trying to make you see how good it could be. You didn’t have to say you didn’t want me around, your actions said it all. I just had my eyes shut too tight to see it.
I shouldn’t have been so naive. You weren’t interested in making my life a romantic comedy, yet I still dreamt it up in my mind that way. You weren’t interested in anything more than a fling, but in the movies, they always change their mind, you will too. You never did anything to make me think that this was going to turn out the way I was hoping that it would. My optimism took over and blinded me to the truth.
I shouldn’t have been such a pushover. You stuck to your rules and I buckled on mine. You told me you weren’t ready for a relationship and I changed my needs. You always managed to get your way and I always managed to let you have it. I always thought that making you happy would make you see things differently. I was wrong every damn time.
I shouldn’t have been so available. You were always making plans last minute and I was always one to come running. You had an hour, I would be there in a minute. I would change my plans, I would go out of my way, I would stop the world if it meant that I got to spend just a moment with you. You were selective with your communication with me and I always picked up for you no matter what.
I shouldn’t have let myself fall alone. You never really told me how you felt and yet I was telling you my feelings every chance I could. You drunkenly told me you liked me once and I was ready to propose. You never made an effort to even properly take me out on a date and yet I was there falling for a stranger I knew nothing about. You let me fall on my own and I was the one who had to catch myself on my own.
When I look back, I can’t hate you. I am frustrated by the way you treated me. I am irritated that I let you manipulate me in such a condescending way. I am confused as to what you ever really wanted from this in the long run. But more importantly, I am disappointed in myself, because I could have prevented this from happening all along.
Featured image via Kristopher Roller on Unsplash
