This week I had an interesting Snapchat experience I feel the need to share. While I was enjoying the sunshine and a delightful book on my lunch break, I received a Snapchat from an old college friend. I didn’t think anything of it and went back to reading about how amazing Amy Poehler is. I then heard my phone buzzing again with a text from the college friend saying, “OH MY GOD DO NOT OPEN THAT. SO EMBARRASSING.” Of course, at that point, the snap becomes way more interesting than Amy Poehler talking about her vagina being the Angelina Jolie of vaginas, the votiva rejuvenation prodigy, so I proceed to open said snap. Unexpectedly, I found myself with a dick in my face.
While it took my breath away for all the wrong reasons, I kindly said no worries, thanked my friend for the most action that I had received in weeks and went back to Amy Poehler, hoping that her vagina talk and child birthing experiences would help me to forget the tragic eye debacle I was just put through. Unfortunately, it didn’t end there. My friend apologized up and down for his “dick slip,” but then proceeded to ask a question that baffles most girls minds, “Well did you like what you saw?”
The funny thing about dick pics that no man will ever seem to wrap his head around (pun intended). No woman wants them. Not even if she is talking to you. She does not want to see your parts unless you are in the bedroom and fully equipped to make some use of it. Let me break it down a little further for you, no girl ever wants to unexpectedly see your junk. No woman is going to consider it a delightful surprise if you randomly just send her a picture of your privates in the middle of the day or ever. If she didn’t ask for it, she does not want it. To be even more frank about the matter at hand, NO I WAS NOT DELIGHTED TO SEE YOUR PENIS.
Believe me, I understand the whole point of sexting. If you are miles away and are in desperate need of some digital TLC with your bedroom tango partner, good for you. Blow up each other’s phones until your batteries die out and genitals are content, but for a man to just randomly shoot a picture of his pants snake to a girl that he has no physical contact with whatsoever is a little insane. She did not ask for it, she did not make it known that she wanted it, she is not secretly needing it, she is not curious about it. I don’t know what makes you think that she needs to see it, but whatever that thought process is, stop that.
And then the kicker, to ask if she likes it. I am sorry to tell you, the answer is no. No one will ever say, “What a delightful surprise I got this afternoon of a dick in my face. Better yet, he didn’t even do anything with it. He just showed me and that was enough to make me want to be with him forever.” That my friends will never happen for you.
Needless to say guys and gals, the funny thing about dick pics are that no one wants them and yet we still seem to keep getting them. If a female does not point blank, flat out say that she would like a picture of your junk on her phone, do not send her one. There is no doubt about it, she is not sitting at home waiting for you to send it out of the blue. There is no secret code or a tricky way that she is sending you hints. She has no secret burning passion to see your penis. If she does not say “Hey boo, let me see what you are working with,” do not send her a picture of your dick. Got it? Good.
Featured image via screengrab of John Tucker Must Die
