You may think you are the sole reason I have changed so much. The mere nonexistence of you in my life must be the reason I seem to have lost my identity. Truth be told, I think I’m finally starting to see who I am with clear eyes for the first time.
I changed my wardrobe because I wanted to have clothes that represented the sophisticated entrepreneur that I am becoming. I no longer wanted to wear the same t-shirts that your hands had slipped under. I needed clothes that didn’t have your scent lingering on their collars. Despite how many times that old red flannel was drenched in detergent, your memories clung to the seams of my shirts in desperate attempts to be savored; which they were. Until now.
I cut my hair, and I know that may seem like a cliche, but I can’t begin to describe how much more alive I felt the minute I had a few layers to add some texture and fun into my hair. I didn’t go and dye my brown locks platinum blonde, but a few inches did the same amount of change for me. I no longer feel your presence when the wind blows my hair behind my ear. Before, I would remember how you would ever so gently run your fingers through my hair, your breath a cool breeze on my neck. But now I don’t have these memories as often. Your hands have not soiled the strands of hair on my head, for you have not touched them. I no longer have dead ends for you to play with, but alive beginnings for nature to celebrate my newfound independence with.
I learned how to take care of plants, when before I could hardly take care of myself. You said I wasn’t capable of much more than the necessities for life, yet I have watched the flowers I have planted bloom, season after season. I’d say I’m disappointed I didn’t have this green-thumb when we were together, perhaps I could have helped the relationship survive, but that would be a lie. See, you can’t save somebody who is too busy cutting holes in the life raft you keep throwing them.
I’m not sorry I wasn’t who you needed me to be, you weren’t either. However, I have realized how much more I am without you than I ever was with you. If you think my actions are post-breakup cliches, I’d like to stop you right there. It may seem as though I’ve changed a lot, but truth be told, this is the me that you kept sheltered, and I won’t apologize for that.
Featured image via Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
