I knew you so well. I was the one you spent all of your spare time with, the one who you told all your secrets to, the one you could be vulnerable with, and the one you could be yourself around without fear of judgment. I knew what you’d be up to every day, and all the latest gossip in your friend group. And I knew that I was important to you without any hesitation.
But I’m not that person for you anymore.
Our daily conversations dwindled day by day, diminishing into painful small talk. What went from seeing each other four times a week turned into once for a short time period. You were distancing yourself slowly but surely and didn’t think I noticed. But I did.
I noticed the empty look in your eyes when you’d look at me, and the emptiness I felt when you’d try to be intimate. The close connection we had disappeared overnight. I could feel the distance you put between us and I hated that blank space. I tried desperately to change that but I soon realized that there was no use in fighting for you or for us anymore.
Do you know how much it hurts to look into a pair of eyes that used to look back at you with such sincerity and passion, and see nothing? Do you know what a slap in the face it is to try and kiss you and have your head turn away playfully but to not have you give me a kiss after you’re done teasing me? Do you know how much it pains you to be in the arms that used to make you feel safe and secure and feel no embrace? Because I do, and I’ve beat myself up over it.
It killed me to be in the presence of a person who made me feel like the greatest person in the world and someone who I deeply adored, to now be in the presence of someone who just doesn’t want to be around you anymore but they stay out of sympathy.
And what was worse about this whole thing is that while I continued to give you my full effort and whole heart, you were breaking mine secretly before I could even realize it. I never saw you for the monster that you had become, I still saw you as the loving man that I saw a future with.
I spent my time away missing you and wanting to be in your arms badly. You spent that same time going behind my back and hanging out with your ex or friends you haven’t seen in awhile (the friends I didn’t care about, the ex was where I had a problem). While I tried to initiate anything with you, you purposely avoided me and didn’t think I’d notice that either. But I kept trying to see if I could guilt you into seeing me. And I don’t think I did.
I put my heart in your hands despite being scared to death and trusted you not to break it. I was completely and utterly vulnerable with you. And I knew you did the same with me until you took your heart back and backed away.
Did it not hurt you to see me giving you my all while you were giving me half-assed effort? I know you felt bad about breaking my heart but you still did it anyway. You made yourself clear when the final step away was taken.
It hurts me to know that I was too trusting of you and that I cared way too much. My feelings got in the way of the reality and I apologize if I scared you off or intimidated you. I was the best version of myself with you and I felt confident and on top of the world. The only thing that could tear me down was you and you most certainly did.
Based on how much you emphasized that you want to maintain a friendship and the possibility of us getting back to where we used to be while you figure yourself out, I would like to think I can trust you with that promise. But things have changed and I still need your reassurance if you want this to work. You’ve damaged me to the point of me fearing you.
You’re a great person and I know you’d never intentionally do this to me. You hate hurting people as much as I do, and I understand why you didn’t want to come out and say it. You feared hurting me and pushing me away for good when that’s not exactly what you want.
I know we both think we are meant to be together, but now is not the right time. Maybe one day we can ignite the fire and passion we’ve had for each other since the day we met, but I need to accept our friendship first and give you the space you need to figure everything out. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed right now in a relationship, but I promise to still be your person for everything else.
Featured image via Taylor Harding on Unsplash
The timing of this article is incredible. I resonate almost perfectly with my current state… thank you
Thank you very much for your kind comment, it made my entire day! As you can tell based on this piece, you’re not alone and so many other people go through this. Hang in there and someone better will come along when the timing is right 🙂