I keep looking at my phone, waiting for the time to change. I keep looking at my phone, waiting for the world to rearrange. I keep looking at my phone, waiting for you to call. I keep looking at my phone, knowing that I was the one who broke this all. I keep looking at my phone, waiting for a reply. I keep looking at my phone, hoping someday this feeling will die. I keep waiting for this moment of clarity that I know will never come. I keep waiting for the moment when you will see why I did what I had done.
I was the one that said goodbye to you. It wasn’t my choice, it was a series of decisions on your part that had lead to it. Believe me, I didn’t want to. I wanted to give us a real try. I really wanted to see this through, but it was your mind that made the decision for us. It was your lack of initiative that was the final straw. It was your ability to make me feel like nothing, even when you didn’t say a word. You made me feel like I was the wrong one every time, even when it was your fault all along. You were my King and I was your servant’s doormat.
There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to everything that we had, but then there was a part of me that knew better because I knew in my heart that you were never going to be the person that I needed you to be. There was a part of me that wanted to settle with what you were giving me, but then there was a part of me that knew you were going to give another girl so much more, and it was going to catch me off guard. There was a part of me that was fine with what we had, but then there was the part of me that was holding back, knowing that I would never fully be happy with the little I was given.
I really liked you. It hurts so damn much to say that, but I was really looking forward to a future with you in it. I was looking forward to all the firsts together and the getting deeper into the mix. And now I can’t think of you without getting tears in my eyes and knowing that nothing will ever come of us. Knowing that you didn’t really give us a chance even when I was giving it my best shot. Knowing that I could have been really good for you, but you didn’t want to make the time. Knowing that this could have been it, the last one, but you will never get to have that opportunity again.
I want to reach out to you and tell you I’m sorry, but I know that would be wrong. I want to contact you and tell you that I miss you, but I know that will not help. I want to touch you and know that it was real, but I know that will only lead to more pain. I want to hear you say that I was right and that you should have fought harder, but I know I’m just living in a dream world. I want to look at my phone and see a reply, but I know in my heart, I will never get that. So I can’t reach out to you, knowing that it will just cause more harm. All I can do is write.
Featured image via Jakob Owens on Unsplash
Love this. Know the feeling.