In a moment of weakness, I break down and begin my search for you. I feel this emptiness inside and know that you can fill the void, so I attempt to reach out to you. I give in to temptation and fight again my willpower in an attempt to hear your voice once more, to ease the pain and brighten the night. I break down the walls that I have built up in an attempt to let you back in again. I give into all that I have been fighting for so long, the will to move on from you, just to know once more that I might not be the one worth longing for.
But when I reach out to you, there is no reply. I try a few more times, but all I hear is silence and it is deafening. Did I break you too much with the words that I last said or is there just no point to saying hi? Did I hurt you by telling you that I deserved more or is it that you knew I would come back all along and want to watch me try? Did I finally break down those walls and leave you in the cold or was it that you have moved on and I no longer have a place in your life after all? Did I break something you didn’t think could be broken or is it just not worth the words anymore?
I search our history for the reasons why you don’t want to be around. I over analyze every encounter we have had, searching for the moment where you thought we weren’t right. I pick apart every detail looking for the clues to see where we went wrong and why we are not here together. I attempt to think of new ways to break through to you, but it only leaves me feeling more lost and confused. I think back to all the words I may have said to change your views, but I’m still left with this silence and uneasy feeling that it wasn’t about me all along.
I dream up the ways that you will come back into my life and tell me this was all just a big misunderstanding, we were good for each other from the beginning. That your walls were built too high and that you had missed me this entire time. I look for you in the crowd and wait for you to come rushing back into my life as you always do. I search for you everywhere I go, hoping that one day you will be dreaming of us the same way too. I desperately cling to the past, hoping that the future belongs to us both.
But for now, I will hold on to the silence, knowing that it might be something that I deserve. Knowing that on the other end of that phone is someone that is still in my heart, still able to mend the pieces of it together. Knowing that I might never have that chance again to talk to you, but also knowing that you are still there, receiving my energy that I send out into the world. Knowing that you are able to see my messages, but actively make the choice not to respond. Knowing that I could be the one that broke us all, but hope one day that you are able to reach out to me like I always try to do with you.
Featured image via Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash
