It’s funny how the perceptions of others can be so different from the one we’ve viewed ourselves as.
Some would call me a confident woman, although I don’t think I fully am. I’m definitely sure of myself in front of the right crowd where I feel comfortable. But most people don’t see my moments of weakness behind closed doors or hear the doubt at the back of my mind.
The voices in my head have created such an insecurity that no one would assume I have. Sometimes it’s the words of others coming back to haunt me, as they rarely do. Or it could be these problems my thoughts decided to create, just because. Your thoughts can be your worst demons.
Honestly one moment you could be fine, but the second you start to think is the moment you begin to doubt yourself and let it destroy you unintentionally. It’s so natural to have these conversations with ourselves, but it’s to the point where we have the ability to work ourselves up too much.
When I’m speaking about a topic I’m passionate or well educated about, I speak with certainty and pride because I’m comfortable saying what I have to say and I am confident in my abilities. I can hold myself well in a professional setting or even an important one where I know my role or how to act.
You would never be able to tell that the moment I’m done speaking, I’m fearfully trying to read your expression in my head. Are you mad at me? Are you able to move on from this debate? Do you not like me anymore after this conversation?
I’m a socially awkward person who fears going to outings because I’m unsure of how to socialize with crowds I don’t know. You know the feeling of how unsure you get selecting an outfit before a function in fear before an event because you don’t want to be under-dressed or too over the top? I get that fear about every single aspect at a gathering.
I wouldn’t say I’m insecure of how I’m perceived in public or how I interact with others. I am just aware that I have the bad and sometimes uncontrollable habit of not acting what’s to be considered normal in group settings. Sometimes I hold myself in a certain way or bring up odd discussion topics but I genuinely don’t know what to say.
My mind races against the clock as to when the nightmare will be over, and the minute I get home I cry because of how I felt during the whole time; wishing I could be likable like everyone else.
I’m a free spirit who forgets that other people aren’t the same way and it makes me super self-conscious. I also never related well with my own generation so I have no clue what to talk about with them. I get along with people either older or slightly younger. I’ve been that way from the time I was a kid. I never quite fit in.
And it’s okay that I never quite fit in, or that I may only have a few close friends who I pray never leave my side. It’s hard for me to make friends even though I have a heart of gold and know how to function in a friendship. It’s getting over the initial hump. And the friends that I do have can tell you I’m an awkward person, but once that goes away you’ll often forget that tiny detail of what makes me, me.
Featured image via Afta Putta Gunawan on Pexels
I relate so much to every aspect of this, its nice to hear from someone just like me. From the confident with people you know or talking about stuff you know about, to fearing that people hate you cause you talk to much, to having (well its just 1 rn, in the process of adding another 1) close friends you pray wont leave.