I cannot be more thankful for your love and support through the whirlwind we went through. Most couples wouldn’t be able to work past what we have and I’m delighted to say that we made it. We survived the hardest part of our lives to date.
Losing a child.
When I told you we were pregnant you handled it all so well. I mean, after the shock kicked in and you actually heard my words fluently, you became equally as excited as myself. You looked at me with tears in your eyes and they exploded down your cheeks as hard as mine already were. I will never feel as tight of an embrace as the hug I got from you that night.
I thought you’d be petrified, well, you still were, but you handled it like a champ. And in that moment I knew you weren’t going anywhere.
From that point on you took your responsibility seriously. You took every moment you can to check in on how I was feeling and showed concern for every little thing because of how it could have affected myself and our growing baby. You showered me with the love and affection most women would dream of, and you would simply reply, “after the miracle you’re giving me, you deserve every ounce of it.”
For a few weeks we kept our pregnancy as a secret. And as we anxiously awaited a safety mark we planned how we would tell our closest friends and family. You thought I was ridiculous for having a unique plan for each person, but you played along with me. I think you knew I would have made it happen either way, so you just caved in advanced. I think deep down you were equally as happy to tell everyone too, but didn’t want to share it. You could barely keep this a secret because you were so excited to be a dad.
On the Friday night you finally decided to go out with your friends instead of staying in with me like you chose to do since we found out, I grew ill. I thought it was cramping from something I ate and brushed it off. It wasn’t until I felt weak that I told you I wasn’t well. I could tell by the phone call of a response to my text that you were concerned.
You met with me at the hospital after your friend drove you straight from the bar. I was admitted and we had learned that I was having a tubal pregnancy. I needed to get the baby removed or else I, too, could have died. Although you were devastated to make this decision with me, we knew we had to.
I’ll never forget that night sitting in the hospital bed hooked up to a blood transfusion and watching you cry in mourning. Somehow throughout all of this you were the one who felt like a failure when in actuality it wasn’t. It was neither of our faults. And like the man you were at all times you prioritized me and never left my side for support. And I love you so much for that.
You asked the questions when I couldn’t make a sound because of the hurt. You got the information for me and made sure I followed every step and procedure for my recovery, and you were as understanding as anything with my mood swings. You gave the perfect amount of reassurance and empathy as if you knew exactly what I needed. And throughout all the reasons to be negative and depressed, you brought a light to my life and caused me to smile and be thankful even more than I was before.
Thank you for not getting scared in a time of hurt, and thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for putting my needs before your own. And thank you for always communicating with me on how you feel about this in order for us to move on. We will always think of the “what if’s” and the “I wonder’s” but that will only give us something to look forward to for when the timing is right for us to get pregnant if God is willing.
Based on how you were for the 7 weeks you were a dad, I know you will make the greatest daddy in the world one day, and I hope I will be equally as good as a mommy and best friend to you.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
