If you’ve ever had a job – which is basically anyone in the world – you’d know what it’s like to really, really not want to go into work. Sometimes, plans come up and we’d much rather be out drinking with our friends than doing menial tasks in an office. Other times, we are way too hungover to interact with anyone in the human race. Regardless of the reason – the feeling of wanting/needing/having to call out of work is a universal truth (thanks Jane Austen).
Reddit knows a thing or two about this kind of situation and, managers online shared the craziest and most outlandish excuses their employees have given for calling out of work.
1. Ilikewordsgood:
When I used to manage a bar/restaurant I had a server call because “her boyfriend fucked her in the ass so hard the night before that she couldn’t walk properly.” She prefaced this by saying the she knew she was about to provide me with too much information, but she was raised that honesty is always the best policy. After what felt like an hour of silence, all I could say was “ok.”
2. DiamondLightLover:
I once had an employee call in because he “woke up in poop.”
There’s no recovering a conversation once those words are uttered.
3. satans_little_helpa:
Loosely based, my friend called school in a woman’s voice pretending to be his mum
‘ he can’t come in today his ill’
Teacher-‘ Frank…is that you?’
‘ no it’s my mum….FUCK!’
4. Maeglom:
he sent a text “my engine has kittens.” Then a picture of a kitten in under his car’s hood. Apparently a cat had had kittens in his car and he had to carefully extract them.
5. Ghost3741:
When I was managing in a fast food restaurant, this one guy told me that he NEEDED to go home early! I asked why and he said because RAW (wrestling) was on tonight then he explained to me who was fighting, the story of why they were fighting using quotes and sound effects. He was 43.
6. sn00kie:
Working in tech in California. I came in one day and my boss told me a coworker won’t be coming in any more. I asked why and he said, because of the nuclear power leak in Japan after the earthquake, she was fearful of radiation coming overseas, so in urgency they jumped on a plane and went to the east coast for safety.
She asked permission to work abroad, my boss said we can give you one-two weeks there and she said no. Never saw her again. They didn’t have any job out there, I don’t know what they did. They did have a kid to feed though.
7. ainkor:
About 15 years ago I was running a fast food restaurant and had this lady that worked for me that was a really good employee. She never called out and always did a great job so when she called out, I was really worried.
She called at around 9 am and said she wouldn’t make it in today. The call went about like this:
Employee: “Hey boss, I ain’t coming in to work today” in a nervous voice.
Boss: “Are you ok? You’ve never called in before”
Employee: “Yeah, the doc says I’ll be fine. I was bleeding out of my butt hole last night so I went to the ER. They said I had a fizzle or something like that. I guess I have two assholes now”
Boss: “Umm, feel better and let me know when you can be back”
She healed up and came back to work about a week later and I never could look her without thinking of her saying she had two assholes.
8. KillThemInJarsYo:
Not a manager, but my best reason for calling off was my apartment being on lock down because of a shoot out taking place between police and a robbery suspect. I just called my boss and told him to turn to KCAL 9 to see the helicopter footage.
9. beerandmastiffs:
I had a girl who had previously been doing an excellent job not show up one day. The next day she came in and said she had decided to become a Rastafarian and needed to go get dreads.
10. anamelikenoneother:
I’ve got friend who wanted to go the the beach, so he called in sick.
“What do you mean you’re sick? I saw you 8 hours ago and you were fine.”
“My asshole is on fire, Gary.”
11. smedynski:
Years ago I had someone call in and tell me that they couldn’t come to work this week because they were grounded (they were 25 years old at the time). I told them that this wasn’t an acceptable excuse and that they would be expected to work their scheduled shifts. So he put his mom on the phone and we had a nice long chat. He did live at home and she was grounding him and said if we couldn’t respect her parenting decisions then he would quit. I kind of felt bad for the kid
12. Zoocat:
I once had an employee, an older lady, call to say she had stepped off the bus on the way to work, and then “I shit my drawers.” We didn’t make her come in.
13. strib666:
Her husband wanted her to make him a sandwich.
Turned out, her husband had a seizure, but she was too embarrassed to tell me that.
14. Nosfermarki:
Had a girl call and ask if she could come in late because she “really wanted to make a steak and chill.” She was probably stoned, but she came in when her request was denied and we got to use that phrase all the time.
15. grumpy-old:
Discovered employee passed out on steps in a Casino, pants half off. wallet missing, hotel key missing. Wake him up. “I’m sorry, I’m still too drunk to work today.”
16. IWantAPuppyArmy:
Another girl called in because she had too many hickeys and we had already written her up for working with hickeys.
17. Fantago:
Best: “I just bought a monkey and he’s suffering from separation anxiety every time I leave the house” – this person actually followed up the next day with pictures of her monkey.
Worst: “It’s Tuesday, fuck Tuesday”
18. fizyplankton:
My manager told me that at his old store, this new guy called in and was like “guys my iPod broke. Y’all don’t understand. If I have to go without my music, Ima go nuts. Y’all don’t get it. I’m serious. This ain’t funny”. The great thing is, the store we work at fixes cell phones and iPods and the like
19. BoboLuck:
I was a supervisor of an early shift (3-9am) and the oldest guy (early 50’s) strolled in a half hour late. All he said was “Sorry boss. The wife was horny and I couldn’t pass it up!” Everyone loved that guy so we obviously let it slide.
20. 1musicmomma:
I used to be a retail store manager, I had one of my most reliable employees call out one morning. When I asked her why, she said her boyfriend had been cheating & she had to get tested for STDs. I felt so bad, she was a really nice girl. She finally kicked him out after that.
21. usernamebrainfreeze:
One of my lifeguards couldn’t come to work because he couldn’t find his sunglasses.
22. geeky_username:
He was really tired after a “5 day coke bender”, and wanted to go home
23. butt_embalmer:
To watch football
24. canoe212:
Anal glaucoma, just can’t see my ass coming in today.
25. JackPoe:
She walked to work, in uniform, up the stairs, and said she couldn’t come to work, she had a broken toe.
So she went home, changed, came back and had breakfast.
She came back to work the next day “it’s better now.”
26. theRogueMcGyver:
I kid you not, she called in and said, and I quote, “I wont be in today, I caught a pregnancy.”
Featured image via NBC’s The Office
