Unfortunately for me, I have a tendency to take some things personally and let it bother me for no reason because of my anxiety.
I dread texting someone first because of the rejection I may face, it’s not something that happens all the time, but it most definitely happens. If they even take too long to text when I know they are normally pretty good with conversation, I’ll start making assumptions.
Thoughts and questions flood my head, “I’m annoying.” “Do they not want to talk to me?” “Am I being ignored on purpose?” “They don’t like me.” “I’m an idiot for thinking they’d want to talk.” I hate the feeling of feeling invisible and I overthink myself into that invisibility I fear. It’s not that I need to be reminded that I’m loved or needed, I already know I am.
It’s just something about me that happens and I know I’m not alone.
But when I do get a response I slightly start to read too far into things. I dissect what they said; did it sound rude or were they just sneaking a text and that’s why they were short? I don’t want to pressure them into talking to me because that just makes me feel like a loser. I unintentionally tell myself that I’m an annoyance to them and they are just responding to be polite.
I have absolutely no reason to think that. It’s my anxiety talking, not me.
The thing with me is that I need reassurance that I am loved or wanted. It doesn’t have to be from everywhere, but those reminders help ease my mind. It’s as if those words of affirmation calm me and prove that I have no reason to worry. It pushes my anxiety away.
But the problem with needing reassurance sometimes is that people can find that overwhelming or annoying. “I just told you that, why are you asking me that again?” Again, I don’t mean to, my anxiety is just causing me to overthink.
My anxiety controls me like a puppet sometimes and I’m shackled to it’s every movement. It causes me to overanalyze everything when I don’t need to. I don’t always believe excuses and I’ll jump to my own conclusions because my anxiety wants to fool me.
At times, my anxiety makes me feel like everyone is against me or that there is a reason for them to be when in actuality that is not true. I get awkward, I embarrass myself or others because of my inability to do simple tasks in public, like have a seemingly normal conversation, and I will beat myself up over that moment for months later and refer back to those moments in an overthinking spell.
It’s hard to be optimistic, especially when that devil on your shoulder is convincing you that you have every reason not to be. But I’ve learned I have to be in order to get out of these overwhelming phases that always passes. I don’t always feel like I’m normal because of this stupid mental game that’s playing in my head, but I know I’m not alone because other people experience this too.
Sure, I might struggle to see my value at times and my self-worth, but those dark moments alone, crying in my room are few and far between. I’ve learned that I need to reassure myself and to focus on self-care to ensure I never have to rely on anyone else to get me out of these funks I fall in. At the end of the day, I’m my own fighter, battling this silly anxiety and I’ve proven to be victorious time and time again.
I won’t let my anxiety win and ruin my life.
Featured image via Unsplash
