The night finally arrived and my beating meatball loving heart was so full. Jersey Shore: Family Vacation premiered on my television and it brought me back to a euphoric feeling only rivaled from the years 2009-2012. MTV went all out on promotion and marketing to ensure that everyone knew that Jersey Shore was returning and was going to be as wild as the original iteration.
So what actually happened?
Catching Up
The first half hour or so of the show was a nice little review of what each of the cast members had been up to since the show ending, especially for those who don’t follow the cast on social media.
The Situation (a.k.a. Mike) is currently facing criminal charges filed by the United States for tax evasion and that was a big plot point of the premiere episode. He appears to be a changed man while being clean and sober for over two years, and is willing to own up to his wrongdoings.
Snooki and JWoww are both mothers to two children and living in wedded bliss with their respective partners. They both have had an extensive amount of work done on their face and body (as pointed out by ALL of the guys in the house later on) and they’re ready to turn loose in Miami.
Ronnie is currently living in Las Vegas with his pregnant girlfriend and is given a lot of freedom to enter the house in Miami. Also living in Las Vegas is DJ Pauly D. His house is insane and his wealth is very much on display. The dude hasn’t aged in years and he’s still tan and fresh to death.
Deena, my other favorite meatball, got married to her now husband Chris recently and is also living in wedded bliss. There is a touching moment of her talking about the passing of her father. She’s now a “more classy meatball.”
Last but not least is everyone’s favorite mama’s boy, Vinny. He lives on his own now in a swanky home in Staten Island, right around the corner from his mother. He is also on a health and fitness kick, has completely transformed himself, and has a girlfriend.
We’re In Miami Bitch (Again)
All I have to say about that house in Miami is WOW. It’s such a shame that the seven of them are going to turn that house upside down and destroy it most likely. This mega mansion was very reminiscent of their time in Italy which everyone pointed out as they entered, but this house definitely suited the new lifestyles the cast were living currently.
The (Sweetheart) Elephant In The Room
If it wasn’t painfully obvious, Sammi Sweetheart decided that she did not want to participate in this family reunion. She didn’t want to put herself in a potentially toxic situation and she sat this show out. I guess the idea of being in the same house as your ex was not enticing for them to reunite with the rest of the cast.
I so appreciate the fact that Pauly D decided to get a life sized mannequin / realistic sex doll that was supposed to be Sammi Sweetheart. That thing was equipped with a voice box that spewed all of her infamous lines from “RAAAHHHN STTTTAAAHHHP” to “I’m the Sweetest Bitch You’ll Ever Meet.” Unfortunately, not everyone in the house was as fond of this replacement Sammi.
Luckily, the Sammi doll would meet her demise towards the end of the second hour when Snooki & Deena decided to dump the doll into the pool. In all honesty it was hysterical watching the two meatballs struggle to pick her up and dispose of her.
Party (& Bullshit)
The cast was up to their old ways on their first night in the house. Between Snooki, Deena and JWoww all Jersey Turnpiking like it was 2011 at Karma, to Vinny beating the beat up, I have never laughed so hard in my life. This montage of the cast out at the club letting loose and away from their responsibilities (jobs, kids, significant others) warmed my heart. It’s been a while since we’ve seen them all turn up. Personally, I found it hysterical when JWoww made a comment about how clubbing has now turned into standing around moving to the beat and sitting on couches in VIP. The commentary throughout the show was extremely meta and quite self-deprecating. Thanks JWoww!
I did feel bad for Mike when he went to The Clevelander and everyone was drinking and drunk as a skunk. I can’t imagine what that is like as a person who is doing their best to maintain their sobriety.
Rose & (Ronnie’s) Thorn
At a family dinner, the cast all went around at the table and decided they were going to say something nice about each other, but specifically about Mike. The way the cast, especially Snooki spoke about how Mike had become a different person and a better person brought a tear to my eye. Given their history and the falling out they had, it was important that she let him know that she would be there for him and he was in fact family.
However, not everything would be all nice and sweet. Ronnie decided to start his speech by rehashing EVERY last wrongdoing that Mike had done to him over the course of the show and the subsequent years. It’s important that past transgression not be brushed under the rug and hold people accountable. Eventually Ronnie did turn his speech around and said that he was happy that Mike had changed and that he wished him the best. Later, in a confessional, Ronnie said the most cliche thing ever and stated that he would keep Mike at a distance because he didn’t trust him. Fair enough.
Ringling Circus
The episode ended with Snooki and the cast frantically searching for Snooki’s wedding ring outside. The last image we’re left with is a hysterical Snooki and the screen fades to black. If we thought the circus was just ending, it was started up all over again at that moment.
What happens next? We must tune in next Thursday at 9 pm on MTV to find out.
Featured image via Jersey Shore on Instagram
