I’m sorry I could never see you for more than a temporary companion. A rebound; someone who I thought maybe could help me mend my own broken heart. I let you straight into my life. You met my closest friends and my family, only for us to never fully blossom into something more than short-term. I was a coward who couldn’t face you like I needed, like you deserved of me. At times of my change in emotion, you’d question me on how I felt, and I’d lie straight to your face. I’d deceive you with a continuous belief that we were good, that I wasn’t going anywhere but I was, and soon. I was going to disappear as if we never met, never kissed, or touched.
Every time you complimented me or spoke about us, it crushed me inside. That heavy guilt I felt knowing that I felt nothing. I was playing games, leading you on and I accepted it. In some sort of off mentality I felt this was appropriate and went about it as that. I showed up as your “knight in shining armor” yet my armor was faux; ready to save you from any monsters in your life. But how could I rescue you though when I couldn’t even save myself? I was still battling my own monsters and demons.
Nothing was ever wrong with you, in fact you were my ideal girl…just the timing wasn’t perfect, and I wish it was. I wish I cared enough to be there for you, but I didn’t. I opted for infidelity instead of doing things the right way. I lied to you every time I kissed you. I felt nothing, but an emptiness for where my feelings should have been. The nerve of me to blame past relationship failures on why I chose to fuck this one up. You thought you could steal my heart, but you couldn’t even get through the first layer of my wall around it. The thought of hearing “I Love You” scared me to death. I wouldn’t be able to say it, back nor would I lie to you and claim that either.
I saw a lot of comfort in you. I hoped that would I regret the loss of you in my life and not just the comfort or security you brought me. I was emotionally unavailable, and yet I made you believe I let you in…only to fool you. I let my past break up turn me into this sort of womanizer, digging constant holes to bury the emotions of every girl I ever lead on and thought I’d end up dating exclusively. The best thing for me to do was to avoid the dating world until I knew what it is I was after. I would no longer hold this fear of love.
Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash
