I think I can finally leave him alone.
It was a long hard road; we both fought for each other- or was it more with each other at the end of things? I don’t know that he knew that it was a legitimate fight for me to try to keep him every day. I knew that I was doing wrong, he knew that he was doing wrong. Neither of us were in the clear during this disaster.
It was doomed from the start. There was nothing there to really work with for either of us. There was no honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, or trust. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, whether it be friendship or romance. There was no trust and there was no reason for there to be any trust.
One of us was being dishonest with the other from the start. That doesn’t mean that there weren’t real feelings though. We both had them–there were feelings involved in the relationship, if you can even call it that. Those were never faked, every late night talk, every morning wish, every “I love you” was real. At least at the time it felt real.
Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. Some couples are meant to go all the way; they’re meant to be together forever and they’re meant to be in it to win it. Some couples are doomed from the get go because they just aren’t cut out for each other. We weren’t cut out for each other. We were doomed. We were a whirlwind disaster waiting to happen.
I didn’t want to let go. I’m not someone that gives up easily – I wanted to make it work. I wanted more than anything for this to be the romance that stayed. I wanted it to stick, but it wouldn’t. I think he and I both knew that it wouldn’t. He was so driven by his work that it consumed him, and I was so needy for attention he just couldn’t grace me with.
What else is there to say? Maybe there’s a point where you should just stop trying. Two people can be so different that it means that it’s just never going to work. It’s not something that can just happen when two worlds collide like that. Our worlds were meant to collide, and they did. They crashed and they burnt. They burnt to the ground.
He was someone that I thought I could see myself with. I was opening up, I was allowing myself to fall. I saw the red flags, sure. I knew that they existed, I knew that they were there, but they weren’t something that I should have continued to ignore the way that I did. I ignored them to the point that I forgot that they existed. All I saw was him and the future that I wanted with him. Sadly, it was time to let go well before I actually did it.
Now, a few months down the road, I see it. I see that he wasn’t this perfect person that I painted him in my mind. I created that person and expected it to be him–and it wasn’t. I know that there’s someone out there for me, and I know that there’s someone that can be what I need them to be. I know that there’s someone out there that I’ll be able to love and give my full trust to. I know that now. I think it’s time that I know now, I can leave him alone, because he was never meant to be the person in my life that I needed. He wasn’t meant to be what I expected – no, needed. He wasn’t what I needed, and he wasn’t what I wanted.
I think I can finally let him go.
Featured image via Joshua Reddekopp on Unsplash
