This is The Kind Of Woman I Know I Want To Be

The older I become, the more I realize that I’m truly sculpting into the person I am supposed to be. I’ve broken free from stereotypes and have broken the mold of a person my parents wanted me to be, and am realizing I have my own opinions and values. While I’m positive I know I’m developing, I really don’t know who I’m becoming. It’s just kind of happening for me.

So far I’ve been a little all over the map; sometimes I’m mellowed out and care-free, other times I’m going on an explosive rampage. I get lost in my thoughts way too often, and am constantly dreaming of a better alternative or life I should try to live, all while being snapped back to the harsh reality. My savings are either laughable or praisable depending on the month and right when things are going great for me they fall apart. I also think I’m independent, yet I call my mom after every little inconvenience because she’s a real adult who knows what to do.

They always say your twenties are the best years of your life, yet I feel like I’m always coming together as a person only to fall apart again. It’s a confusing transformation to process. I find myself constantly reminding myself that the hope I have for my future still lingers, and I have to continue to focus on who I want to be. This question is always at the back of my mind.

Who is the woman I want to become?

I want to be a woman who knows how to keep herself alive, let alone a plant. I would be so satisfied to actually keep a plant alive for more than three days. I want to be confident in my decisions and see the rewards for living effectively to give myself the best way. I don’t want to be self-loathing or self-destructive when I’m having a difficult day.

I want to be a woman who knows how to be mindful, resourceful and takes care of her body. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be that typical Instagram girl who fabricates her health (and wealth). I want to do these healthy things for me and me only.

I want to be a woman who is dependable, impactful and as loyal as they come. I want to be able to socialize in most settings, talk politics and actually know what she’s talking about and admit that I don’t have knowledge on a specific topic. I would also like to be the person to host these fancy get togethers with all of my friends and have them all be impressed by my hosting abilities as they think to themselves that I’m a proper adult now.

I want to be a woman who appreciates the little things in life so much more than I already do, like a beautifully coloured sky at sunset or the power a great day has on your mood. I want to love the hell out of the dog I aspire to own, can actually read a full book in a week (not three months), is excited to learn new techniques and is always vocal towards the ones who make my life a lot better. But I also want to be the woman who is a little rough around the edges and thrives in chaos because it means I don’t tolerate poor behaviour and have my stuff together in any circumstance, all while remaining calm and collected.

And while I think to myself on how I can transform into this woman I want to be one day, I still have to remember to stay me in the process. I know I won’t be the perfect woman. I’ll always overwater my plants and that my room will always be an organized mess, I’ll always have at least two books unfinished and my ambition will always exhaust me. I know my heart and sensitivity might be too much for people to deal with or understand, and that my dreams may seem too achievable. But that’s how I am, and that will never change.

I know I will be a flawed woman, because no woman nor person is perfect. But those quirky little imperfections are what make me the fun, lovable and unique little me (even if they frustrate the hell out of my loved ones). And for the most part, I’m pretty sure those habits are something I could never change. So I’ll continue to tell my mom all about them when we talk every day.

At the end of the day, I just want to be the most effective and best version of myself who loves hard and is loved even harder. Come to think of it, I might actually already be her, but I just can’t see past the lonely nights full of self doubt. But if I can remain this awesome for the rest of my life, than I’ll be set for eternity.

Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash