You sit by the window as the rain falls, pensively drifting from thought to thought, suddenly recalling my absence in your life. It begins as a glimmer of a notion as it scratches your consciousness, but it soon swells through your mind, engulfing your bare heart with its powerful grasp. You blame yourself, wondering if a stray word caused me to disappear from your life, struggling to remember that you imbued my life with the lasting power of togetherness. As your thoughts turn to me and refuse to dissipate, you discover that you miss me.
The truth is, I miss you, too. Â
The distance between us slowly became comfortable as I fought against my racing heart. I longed to free myself from my own confines, to reminisce with you, to live alongside you once more, but as my mind grew weary and my soul grew frazzled, I sequestered myself from you. I needed you; your calming presence, your kind heart, your glistening wit, but in my desperation, I abandoned you, leaving you to wonder if you had done wrong.
The truth is, my absence is not your fault.
I’ve locked myself behind closed doors, refusing to emerge for you until I triumph over my racing heart, my damp palms, my knotted stomach. I fear that you will see me at my worst, frantically groping for serenity as you stand by helplessly, wishing you could wrap me in your arms, feeling powerless to do anything more. But my life behind these four walls, as I remain fearful to connect, terrified to live, has left me awash in comfortable numbness as I struggle to regain the desire to speak again. Â
I inch closer and closer to you, reaching for your hand, but pulling mine away every time we nearly meet. As you wonder where I’ve been, faulting yourself for my absence, my heart breaks for you. I wish I could tell you that I am here, screaming in my silence, quietly, powerfully loving you through every step of your journey. I wish I could tell you that I ache to hear your voice again, to bask in your warmth, your security.
The truth is, I miss you. I long to finally unlock this door to my heart, let you witness my deepest fears, and truly show you that I love you unconditionally.
Previously published on Thought Catalog.
Featured Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash.
