“I’m sorry.”
I find myself saying those words so often. I know that annoys some people, they even tell me that I say it too often. My response to that is, “I’m sorry.” I’m in a constant apologetic state, even when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not because of any one thing I’ve done. I feel like I need to tell people that I’m sorry because I always feel like I’ve annoyed them in some way, perhaps just for existing.
Again, it’s nothing that I’ve done annoying in particular – I feel like speaking to them is bothersome in some way. That’s the wrong frame of mind, and I know that. This continues mostly with people that I’ve known for years, not really strangers. I’ll apologize for texting them, for asking to see them, and for almost any form of contact with them.
There are a lot of times that I want to say something important and I’ll hold back simply for the fear of annoying you. There can be weeks, even months, at a time where I don’t say anything to you because I’m afraid to. You’ve been a great friend to me, never anything but, and I feel privileged to have your friendship. I’m sorry that I’m so afraid to lose it.
I’m sorry that I disappear so frequently, or moreso for when I don’t disappear frequently enough. When I double, triple, quadruple text I know, by now, you know how sorry I am. I’m not desperate for your attention, but sometimes I just want to know that you’re still there. I’ve read so many cliche internet quotes telling me to stop chasing people, to let them go, but I never manage to cut them completely.
I’m sorry that I invite myself around a lot, and for when I pressure you into coming around or hanging out (whatever the circumstances are). I’ll still apologize when I do that, even when you say I shouldn’t, because I feel like I’m a burden. Gosh, I’m sorry if I ever actually have burdened you.
I’m sorry that I’m so emotional, yet when I’m around people, I won’t speak it. I feel like you have so many more interesting things to talk about, to say, to do – rather than deal with what I’m feeling. I’m sorry if I’ve impacted your life in a negative way.
I’m sorry if you’re tired of me saying that I’m sorry. However, I’m not sorry that you came into my life, or I came into yours; I will never be sorry for that. I’m not sorry for the impact that I’ve allowed you to create in my life – I never will be. I’m certainly not sorry that I grew to love our friendship, and grew to know that you are an incredible person, under almost every circumstance.
Lastly, if I’ve made a positive impact in your world, and I sure hope that I have, I’m definitely not sorry for that. I’m not sorry that I’ve grown to care so much, because you’re worth it. I’m sorry that I’m so afraid to lose you – please be patient. I get trapped in my head and don’t know how to accept friendship. Nevertheless, I’m not sorry, at all, for your friendship.
