Bumble, Ghosting, and F*ckboys: Why Modern Dating Is So Hard

Mar 13, 2019

Let’s be honest, dating has always been a little bit awful.

With all the uncertainty, the anxiety, and the “Who pays at the end of the date?” stuff, it’s enough to stress anyone out. But modern dating?

Well, dating today makes me want to poke my eyes out with ballpoint pens.

Maybe, it’s because I’m a massive overthinker who tries to determine all the hidden meanings behind the text “K.” Perhaps, it’s because dating douches has burned me, especially when they tell me that we’re exclusive while they text someone else under the table.

Or maybe, modern dating is just shitty.

I’m going with the latter, because shifting blame is fun! Let’s really drill down and look at why today’s dating scene has become such a cesspit of misery…

I spent nearly 14 years in back-to-back relationships, and all my single friends lamented about how difficult dating was. I shrugged them off with the kind of shitty platitudes you hope to never find on a greeting card: “There are plenty more fish in the sea,” “You’ll find someone when you least expect it,” and, the very worst one, “I sometimes think it would be fun to be single again.”

To all my single friends, I’m sorry. I get it now. Dating is my own personal Hell on Earth.

Firstly, technology has screwed everything up. In the “olden days” of dating, you only called people whom you really liked. After all, talking on the phone actually requires effort, takes time, and feels so awkward, so you needed to be super keen to pick up the receiver and give your potential date a ring.

Now, we all bow down to texting, the king of lazy communication. But, typing letters into your phone still takes a little bit of effort, so let’s bring it down a notch, cut and paste the same message, and send it to 20 people. Who gives a shit if it’s impersonal? Dating is a numbers game, right? More numbers, more chances!

Not to mention the waiting game in the dating game. Want an answer to a question you’ve just texted? Don’t pick up the phone and get one right away, silly! No, stare at your phone for days on end waiting for a reply that may never come! Such anxiety-inducing fun!

Then there’s the content in the actual messages…, confusing, non-committal responses! No one asks you on a date anymore; they ask if you want to “chill,” or “hang,” or “meet up.” WTF do any of those even mean? Do you just want to have sex with me, or are you wanting something more serious? Are you luring me out of my house to murder me? Who knows!

After the awkward not-a-date, you wait patiently, phone in hand, for four f*cking days, as you both playing text message “chicken” to see who’s gonna message first. (Unless he’s already ghosted the crap out of you, in which case, boy bye.) All the while you think, “Did he actually like me? Was that even a date? Are we just keeping it casual? Did he really mean it when he said, ‘Let’s do this again?’”

Don’t mind me just casually rocking back and forth like a crazy person, wondering what the hell “You look nice” actually meant!

“Why don’t you just ask the guy?” everyone wonders.

Oh, you sweet, naive, pre-Tinder children… because people don’t express feelings anymore. If you do, you’re not playing the “game” properly.

You can’t possibly tell someone how you feel about them. Oh, no. You must seem interested and not interested at the same time. You can’t text twice in a row because then, you look desperate. (And that would be terrible). You can’t tell someone that their behavior pissed you off because you don’t wanna look crazy. And you can’t “hang” more than one night in a row because you don’t want to come off as clingy. And if, by some miracle, you do end up with the opportunity to ask the person where all this “hanging” is leading, you have to curate your question freaking carefully, so as not to spook the guy if he’s not on the same page as you.

The most screwed-up irony of modern dating is that you’re going to all this effort to make it seem like you’re not going to any effort at all. We’re turning ourselves inside out to seem like the apathetic “cool girl.”

So I am done with modern dating. If I like someone, I’ll tell them. If it’s a date, I’ll call it one. I want an answer? I’ll call instead of text. If I feel like double texting, I’ll do it. And if I want to know if my casual hookup wants to go out with me, I’ll ask.

Because honestly, the right guy won’t be turned off by me being myself. Girls, the same goes for you: Only players and commitment-phobes run off when you refuse to join the game. Who the crap wants to date someone who is scared of dating? Not me.