You told yourself that you would open up, that you were ready and willing to see who was out there. You were ready to feel anything with the most amazing guy. When you met him, you thought he was weird, but also a fascinating, beautiful person.
But as time passed, he left without any warning.
You became this stupid girl chasing the love of her life. The girl who almost gave everything she had. The girl who always ended up suffering over some guy she knew way back in college. You cried yourself to sleep while you asked, “Why am I not good enough?” And when you got up, when you washed your face, when you looked into the mirror, you continued telling yourself the exact same thing: “I am not good enough.”
People who cared about you didn’t know how you felt. You didn’t show any of your grief because you didn’t want anyone to pity you.
You stuffed your heartache down for months, and no one knew about it. You ran from situations that could cause you to feel pain or lose what little love you still had. You only wanted to feel positive emotions. But at the end of the day, as you went back to bed and looked back at everything you tried to run from, you knew that you were not OK.
You stayed out of relationships because you feared the eventual loss and pain, not realizing that you were missing out on all the beauty in between. You started avoiding your friends and stopped going out. At some point, you realized you were suffering from intense depression. You knew that you couldn’t go on anymore and felt like you’d reached the end of the road.
Until one day, you finally woke up thinking that maybe, you could start again.
You sat down at the nearest café. You sipped your coffee, remembering how the last coffee you enjoyed with him actually tasted.
As you allowed yourself to feel pain again, you sat with it.
Instead of wanting to run, to avoid the loss, you hoped to build something beautiful with someone again.
In that moment, you realized that even though your heart broke, your spirit had always stayed strong. It felt strangely freeing to cry again. You decided not to hide your pain or push it away. Instead of holding it inside, you released it. And you discovered that expressing your pain is OK.
Maybe, you just needed a little push. Perhaps, you just needed to open up to people again. Maybe, you needed to try this new café, a new pillow case, a new hair color, or a new ice cream flavour.
Maybe, you just needed to know how important it was to finally forgive yourself for losing the people who were once a part of you. As you moved forward, you started building the relationship you want and deserve. You realized that you don’t feel scared anymore. All you can think about is opening a door of hope, healing, and understanding.
You woke up the following day, washed your face, looked yourself into the mirror, and proudly said, “I am enough.”
Featured Photo by Rowan Chestnut on Unsplash.
