Welcome to “Ask Ada,” a weekly series in which we answer all those burning questions you’d rather not share aloud. Buckle up for some brutally honest advice!
I’m in an open relationship, and I’ve been considering a threesome for a long time. I think my primary might be open to it, but I’m drawing a blank on what (and who) to do next. How do you have the perfect threesome?
Signed,
Steve
Hi Steve,
Good news! You’re not the only one who’s asked the Internet about having a threesome, so there’s plenty of advice out there for you to consider.
I assume that as a polyamorous person, you’re familiar with “The Ethical Slut” and other relevant literature, yes? Furthermore, I assume that you speak in honest, vulnerable, and ethical ways… yes?
My first piece of advice is to talk this through with your primary. Even if they are not into the idea, it is important to get their take on this. You may have already got a framework for threesomes you can refer to, but if you haven’t, this is the sort of thing they should hear about first. It may not be a dealbreaker for them, or it could be the biggest dealbreaker for them. Make sure you find out before you do anything else.
You say that your primary may be open to joining you, but how do you know? Did they share a fantasy with you, or did they delve into concrete details? Are they a fan of Annika Martin by any chance? (She’s a fantastic writer, even though my asexual ass skims the sex scenes.)
I’m asking because I think this is something you and your primary should try together, if there is interest and motivation. Sex with one new person is weird enough as it is. Sex with two new people can be nerve-wracking, even for strongest people.
If and only if your primary is interested, apply your polyamory skills together to find a third.
Find a person you both want to romance. This may be someone you already know, or maybe it’s someone new. However, do yourselves a favour and be transparent about your intentions from the beginning: People don’t like a bait-and-switch.
Also, I say “romance” instead of “f*ck” because your third is not a prop. They are a person with feelings, so you must treat them as an equal partner, even if this is just a one-time encounter. You can only have a “perfect” experience if everyone involved enthusiastically consents and remains open-minded. If you start taking yourself too seriously or treat your other partners like pawns in a bigger game, you’ve lost the chance to make this a magical, worthy endeavour.
I won’t advise you on the nitty-gritty of it all. After all, I don’t know whose bodies are involved. Plus, half the fun will be figuring it out yourselves (or so I’m told). Just remember that your partners have needs, and you should work to meet those needs entirely. Otherwise, you might as well just go solo, and what fun is that?
Good luck,
Ada
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