It’s been a while since I’ve been honest with you. The truth is, I’m not OK. In fact, I almost betrayed you.
When you left my place the other day, I felt completely miserable. As I sat on my bed with the note I wrote you by my side, you flashed through my mind as I tried to restrain myself. I couldn’t help but think of leaving you. I didn’t want you to feel like you’d failed me or like you should have done more for me.
As I continued thinking over our relationship, I decided that you’d be better off without me. I thought that you’d be happier without my unpredictability and neediness. But then I worried that you’d see giving up as selfish and that you’d hate me for leaving your side.
Then, I re-read the note I wrote you, and a sharp pain struck my heart. I couldn’t hold back my tears as I thought about you. In the note, I said how much I love you and how deeply sorry I felt. But, as I read over the message one more time, I realized that leaving you wouldn’t prove just how sorry I was.
For once, my thoughts of you weren’t happy.
They overwhelmed me with pain. Instead of pride, I felt fear. Instead of confidence, I felt like I had failed you.
Even though you said that I could always share my troubles with you, I didn’t want to place that kind of stress on your heart. You have so much on your plate, so I didn’t want to overwhelm you. I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t strong enough or dependable enough. I wanted you to know that I would always have your back, and I didn’t want to scare you off.
However, know that I will never betray you.
I will never break your heart. I’m sorry that I hid my struggles, pain, and fears from you. I won’t close myself off again, because now I know just how much you care. I promise that I will never hide or lie again. Because now, I’m ready to let you in.
Photo by Alex Avalos on Unsplash
