In the beginning, it took an act of congress for me to go on a date with you. You persisted and said yes because my day was horrible and I needed to get out of my own head. Having dinner with you provided a distraction. You were so wrong for me, or so I thought, and I made an executive decision that I was wrong for you, too. I was at it again, pulling rank and making unilateral decisions for my heart.
Looking back, though, I was wrong. You’ve always been perfect for me.
Love had hurt and scarred me. I was learning to get back on my feet again. I knew inside and out that you could raise red flags, so I was on the lookout for signs that you were wrong for me. I built a high, thick wall around my heart to keep everything in and everyone out.
But I didn’t have my guard up with you.
After all, I didn’t feel the need to. You asked why I agreed to our first dinner date and I told you that you felt safe and harmless. And with that, I invited you in.
Your air of naivete and the glimmer of mischief in your lopsided grin was enough to disarm any apprehension I had. So I handed you my bruised, broken heart to heal. For a month, I pretended that you meant nothing to me. In just a month, you upended my life and melted my heart. You taught me how to feel and showed me how to love. And I loved you back.
I tried to walk away. I even tried to convince you to leave me. I fell hard for you, and it scared me, so I tried to leave you.
And now, here I am without you.
I have no one to do crossword puzzles with. No one to share the weighted blanket that relieved our masked anxieties. What I would give to turn back the clock. I wish that you would constantly interrupt me while I watch TV. I wish that we could share another slice of raspberry velvet cheesecake or cup of cappuccino. If I only knew then, when you asked if it was too soon to kiss me, that I would say goodbye so soon, I would have told you to kiss me.
I’m drenched in tears, pouring my heart out over a keyboard, heartache pulling at every keystroke. I never want to stop crying over losing you and losing hope.
As you closed the car door behind you, my heart shattered into a million pieces. How do I tell you that when you held me close, I ached for what I never had? How do I tell you that I miss the love I’ll never have again?
You asked if I wanted the pain of losing us now or later. The truth is that I’d take that pain every day to share one more minute with you. I’d take the risk knowing we would inevitably end.
My heart will always be here if someday, you decide to find your way back. Because it was always you. And oh, how I wish it were me.
Featured Photo by Antony Xia on Unsplash.
