Maybe I’m alone in this, but I wish my parents hadn’t told me what sex would feel like. I also wish they hadn’t told me what an orgasm would feel like. As a child, I thought there was something wrong with me. When the topic of sex came up, I would always leave the room. I couldn’t handle the idea.
When peers asked me out on a date, I quickly shut them down. But then, I found out what asexuality is. And I am asexual – not aroused by sex. The reason that it was so hard for me to realize this is that asexuals compose about 1% of the population. And it’s one of the sexualities that’s rarely talked about.
What I do wish my parents had told me about sex is that sexuality is fluid.
It can change depending on the person or situation, and it can also change over the years. Who you are dating doesn’t define your sexuality. Sexuality is a way that we identify ourselves. But it can change. And every identity is OK.
In this time and place, I consider myself asexual. What’s more, I have something called sex-aversion or sex-repulsion, which means that sexual acts make me disinterested and repulsed. This is common for someone who is not aroused by sex. But I didn’t know that as a teenager and a young 20-year-old. I just thought that my sexuality button was broken or simply turned off. I wasn’t attracted to anyone and didn’t start dating until I was 26 years old. Nevertheless, I only dated because the other person was attracted to me, not because I was attracted to them sexually.
However, I am still romantic and monogamous – I just don’t like sex. I like holding hands, cuddling, and sharing space with someone I love. I like taking my partner out for dinner dates, and I like to be in relationships. My sexuality could change as I age, but it might not. And I’m okay with that.
I wish my parents had explained that sexuality can look differently for everyone.
I was taught that there were gay, lesbian, and straight people. But that leaves out so many other groups of people. There are so many ways one can be in regards to sexuality. For instance, you can be pansexual, demisexual, queer, bisexual, questioning… the list goes on and on. These are just some of the most common terms.
While I don’t wish my parents shared more about sex with me, I do wish there had been more discussion and a deeper understanding of sexuality in our society when I was younger. But luckily, children today will have much more information since we continue to learn and be more understanding.
There are so many ways to feel and so many ways to identify. All are acceptable and perfectly okay to be, feel, and identify with. The judgement when it comes to these terms is there because of fear and misunderstanding. There truly is no shame in being whatever you are. Moreover, it’s also okay to change. What matters is that you are following your heart, your passion, and your intuition. It will not lead you astray.
Feature Image via We Heart It
Please change your trabsphobic wording.
I’m getting it changed as fast as I can. The publisher needs to change it. Thank you. I’m sorry
It has been changed. Thanks for your patience
Thanks for sharing your experience so openly, I’m sure it will help some young folks especially. A couple notes though… “transexual” is not a very used term anymore, and is usually experienced as a slur. Yes, there are some folks who identify with the term and may use it form themselves, but it should never be used to describe someone other than yourself. Transgender is the appropriate term nowadays. But also, neither transgender nor transexual is a sexuality. Those terms, and many others, can describe someone’s gender identity or life experience, but is very different from sexuality. Sexuality has to do with whom you have romantic and/or sexual relationships with, while gender identity refers to your own experience of your gender and yourself. Everyone has a sexuality and everyone has a gender identity, though not everyone thinks about it a lot, especially if they are straight and/or cisgender (cisgender = not transgender; fully and solely identifying with the gender one was assigned at birth). And, someone who is transgender may also identify with any of the wide range of sexualities/asexualities, just like cisgender people. Other experiences of gender include intersex and non-binary folks. Usually, transgender is an umbrella term and is inclusive to non-binary folks (folks who don’t identify solely and/or fully as male or female, instead falling somewhere in between, moving fluidly between various genders (genderfluid), having no gender (agender), or having a gender that is something else entirely (some folks use the term third gender); but, some non-binary people don’t identify as transgender.
To anyone reading this article — I know Adele (author) personally, and I know her intention was not to use transphobic wording. When I read this article and let her know these comments, she immediately thanked me for educating her and started the process of asking the publisher to edit the problematic language. It’s not okay, and it hurts, and I know it was unintentional and Adele will do better in the future.
I am sincerely so sorry. And thank you for educating me. I am working on changing it with my publisher. I really am so sorry. You’re right, it’s not okay, and it needs to be changed asap. Thank you for being kind when I made a mistake, a hurtful one, not intentionally hurtful, but that doesn’t matter. I appreciate your educational feedback. It will be fixed asap
Hey, the word has been changed. Thank you for educating me and being patient while I worked with the publisher. You’re a kind soul. Thank you for understanding we all make mistakes, and mine wasn’t intended to harm anyone, and I take full responsibility for hurting or offending you, and anyone else. This has been a learning experience for me. Thank you <3
The wording has been corrected. I’m so sorry for misrepresenting a community of people I care about. I’m sorry for this mistake. It has been changed. Thank you for everyone who was kind enough to educate me.