To The Man Who Made Me Feel Unworthy Of Love

I thought that I was in love with you, but looking back, I was just infatuated with you.

I did everything I could for you without hesitation. And I gave you all of me and left myself with nothing, hoping that it would make you love me.  

But I was oblivious to the fact that you weren’t good for me.

You belittled me. You made me feel crazy for having normal feelings. You’d cheated on me and gaslighted me. And saddest of all, you convinced me to believe every word that came out of your mouth. You knew I loved you, but you took advantage of me. I was broken. I didn’t know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be. And I felt unlovable, ugly, and lonely.

Finally, after years of your abuse, I found the courage to leave you.

It’s been years since I walked away from you, but I’m still dealing with the aftermath of your actions. I try to hide my feelings because encountering someone else like you terrifies me. No matter how much I try, I can’t accept others’ love. And no matter what, I don’t make myself vulnerable to anything or anyone. 

I won’t lie to you – I still feel angry with how you treated me.

After all, you took so much from me. You took away my dignity, my confidence, and my ability to trust the people I love. But despite everything you took from me, you didn’t take away my ability to love. 

Now, I have someone who loves and appreciates me.

He knows how I feel before I tell him. And when my anxiety lies to me about how he feels, he always reassures me.  This man reminds me every day of how beautiful I am. He understands me, makes me feel safe, and knows that I’m healing. He sees me in a way that you never did.

For so long, love seemed like a foreign concept.

But because I left you, I discovered that I do deserve all of the good things that this life has to offer.  Because I walked away, I’ve learned how to forgive you. Because of you, I found myself and learned that I should never settle for less than I deserve. In choosing to leave you, I found my person, the one who lights my soul on fire. I found love. So thank you for everything you put me through – I now have a better life than I ever could have imagined.

Featured Photo by Tamara Bellis on Unsplash.