There is so much misinformation going around about kink and the BDSM community. We have popularized books like Fifty Shades of Grey which is detrimental to the community and those exploring it. However, there’s so much you probably don’t know about this scene. So I’m here to give you some facts about BDSM to keep you safe as well as educated.
1. I can’t emphasize consent enough!
BDSM is all about consent, your wants, your needs, and your desires. You should never feel forced into anything.
2. Make sure you have a safeword.
A safeword is probably the most important thing in a dom/sub dynamic. It gives the sub power (yes, subs hold more power than doms) and safety. Hence, you need a safe word! Make sure it’s something short you can easily say. You also need to make sure it’s something you wouldn’t normally say during a session. That way your dom knows immediately to stop what they’re doing.
3. Hand signals are important.
When you’re gagged or using breath play, you can’t say your safeword. So it’s a good idea to come up with hand signals so you can communicate with your dom. For example, my partner and I have a signal for ‘harder,’ ‘slow down,’ and ‘stop.’ This is essential to keep you safe.
4. Trying something new is amazing, but not at the risk of your and your partner’s discomfort.
If you aren’t into it, tell your dom or sub. If they get upset, they aren’t the right partner for you. Everything needs to be consensual.
5. Don’t be afraid to express yourself.
This goes for all your wants, needs, and limitations. If your dynamic is great, your bond is strong, and your partner cares, they’ll understand.
6. Subspace!
A proper dom will understand the need to get you to subspace. Subspace is a euphoric-like state you get into before a session. It better prepares you and puts you in the right headspace. It will differ from person to person, but with time, it’s achievable. It’s important to slowly get you there so you can mentally, physically, and emotionally handle a session. Getting to subspace is all up to you, but soft caresses and calming music is a good example. Empty your mind of everything and completely focus on pleasure. You’ll know when you’re there. You’ll almost feel floaty and intoxicated. It’s a beautiful feeling.
7. Aftercare is essential.
Aftercare is extremely important. You don’t want your sub to feel upset or neglected. Similar to the example I used for getting to subspace, that’s a good starting point for aftercare. Soft caresses, kind words, and calming music are a good way to go.
8. Research and education are key.
Learn how to properly choke your partner for breath play. Have safety options (i.e. safety scissors) when doing rope play/shibari. You can find a multitude of resources online.
9. Doms: Don’t feel weak asking if your sub is okay!
If anything, it helps them feel more safe and secure. It’ll also give you peace of mind.
10. There aren’t just doms and subs out there.
There are many different categories. You can very well be a switch — a switch is someone who switches between being a dom and a sub. Explore your options. For years I thought I was a dom, but it turns out that I’m a bratty submissive. Knowledge is power. You never stop learning.
11. Trust is vital to a healthy dom/sub relationship.
You need to have a lengthy conversation with a potential partner to make sure you’re on the same page. Don’t just jump into it. I know it’s exciting and new, but these things take time. You need to ensure everything is consensual and safe.
12. Saying no isn’t taboo!
If you aren’t comfortable, don’t force it. If you do force it, it could become detrimental to your relationship and your mental health. So never risk it.
13. Don’t be afraid to explore different kinks.
There are so many kinks out there. My rule: If it’s not causing lifelong harm, makes you uncomfortable, and it’s not damaging, then it’s worth trying. Just make sure you and your partner both want to try it out.
BDSM is a beautiful way to express love and trust. There is nothing nonconsensual or harmful about it. Use these steps and do as much research as you feel is necessary. Personally, I still do research despite the fact I’ve been in the scene for well over a decade. Knowledge is power and there’s nothing wrong with brushing up on things. Don’t be afraid to explore, learn, and love. Don’t be afraid to say your safe word either. BDSM should never feel forced and you should never feel unsafe. I hope this was helpful and you enjoy your journey. Happy spanking!
Featured image via Artem Labunsky on Unsplash
