I’m scared, exhausted, unsure, uneasy, irritated, suffocated, positive, emotional. I’m all over the map. But most importantly, I’m lucky.
Much like the rest of the world, I share the common traits listed above. My life has been turned completely upside down this past year and I don’t know how I’m going to recover. But I know I’m not alone through all of this. And while I take my moments to feel the crippling pain and fear, I also take many moments throughout each repetitive day to remind myself, I’m one of the lucky ones. And here’s why.
1. I’m lucky because I have my health.
Which is something manyany people don’t have the luxury of right now. Whether it’s COVID related or not. I don’t have to go to a doctors office daily and risk myself, my families or others by being in contact with sick or at risk people.
2. I’m lucky because I’m safe.
I have a house to live in with people I love who also love me. It may not always be a positive environment, but it’s what I call home and feel safe. No one is purposely going out unless it’s mandatory nor are they inviting others in. We’re social distancing in a bubble together where we have all the supplies we need to live.
3. I have a great group of support.
They may not live with me, but I know I can contact them at any time of day. Whether it’s via group chat or a phone call, I have access to my inner circle and I never take that for granted. So many people wish they had this option but instead they could be mourning the loss of someone in their inner circle and who they didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to.
While I recognize my privilege in the sense of how lucky I am to have everything listed above, I also still feel guilt. So many people wish they had the simple things I do and they’re in a far worse situation.
Sure, I lost my job due to COVID, but I don’t have to pay rent. Some people could have lost their jobs and are at risk of losing their homes from being unable to pay their bills. I know I’ll go back to work eventually and am lucky to have financial assistance from my government. So many people in this world won’t have a job to go back to-let alone financial help of any kind.
I’m devastated I can’t physically see my grandmother or my friends who I love dearly. But I still have the opportunity to l call them. Some people lost their entire families and friend groups within days of each other and weren’t able to spend their last moments together. Instead, they’re stuck at home wondering if and when they’re going to die, mourning their loss, thinking of how they’re going to pass alone and without getting the proper funeral they deserve. If this happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to move forward and wouldn’t want to live-yet they have the resilience, courage, strength and bravery to do so.
And yes, my life has changed greatly. But in a simple perspective, mine hasn’t changed nearly as much as others. And I will forever be thankful for that.
My heart will continue to break for those who have it worse than I do.It will hurt me to witness the pain of those suffering in while I am not. It will ache for those who have lost their jobs, peace or mind, health or sanity. And it will shatter if anything so horrible happens to someone I know.
Despite desperately wishing to break free from my house just to get some fresh air and give myself a mental health break from the silence of my home, I know I can’t. The best thing I can do is to social distance and continue to do so devoutly. And I want to encourage others to be as grateful and compassionate as I’m attempting to be.
I want to encourage others to do the same and spread positive messages, I want to show my support by verbally offering it and silently by staying at home, and I want to hide my emotions to seem strong all while still wanting to show others they aren’t alone or crazy for feeling the same. I just need to continue to take each day as it comes, no matter how repetitive it may seem, and do my part to remind myself that I’m so freaking lucky.
Featured Photo by Mathilde Langevin on Unsplash
