Have you ever been friend-zoned by a man you adore? The two of you have a great time together. You may find it hard to date other men because no one you’ve gone out with is as understanding, caring, or amusing as him. You may have even hinted that you’d like to be closer, but he doesn’t pick up on it. How can you tell if you’re wasting your time by hoping he’ll come around?
My client Carrie has a huge crush on her friend Bob. They hang out several times a week, but still remain friends. Bob is not her usual type, but they get along so well that she has fallen in love with him. She doesn’t know how to bring her feelings up without ruining the friendship.
Waiting for a man who isn’t romantically interested in you is usually an exercise in futility. If you want to try to get a guy to fall in love with you, you need to know where he stands.
Bob may be secretly pining for Carrie. There is a small chance that he’s worried he might lose her if he pursues a romance with her. It’s most likely that he just cares for her as a friend. If that’s the case, it’s unlikely his feelings will change.
Unless you want to continue spending your life waiting for a man to pursue you, you have two choices. Either summon up your courage and tell him the truth or begin living your life as if there is no possibility that the two of you will ever become a couple.
If you want to find out what he’s thinking, broach the subject by talking about dating. Ask him if he’s dating anyone. If he’s not, tell him that you’re “looking for a man who shares his qualities.” For example, say, “I would love to become involved with a man who is trustworthy and easy to be around, just like you.”
Let him know that it’s been a long time since you’ve met anyone remotely interesting. Ask him for advice. Do what it takes to stay quiet and thoughtfully listen to what he has to say. This will provide you with the best chance of discovering more about how he feels.
If he doesn’t talk about his love life, it’s OK to ask him how it’s going. Inquire about what he wants in his future partner. You can tell him the truth, which is that you are fond of him and are open to becoming romantically involved if that would work for him. If he’s not interested in a relationship with you, the only thing that you can do is let go of your dreams of a future with him knowing the truth will provide you with an opportunity to move forward romantically — with or without him.
Imaginary lovers are momentarily delightful, but not satisfying for the long term. Go online and start dating other men. Spend your time with other friends and activities that you enjoy. Wondering whether a man is actually interested in you and spending time waiting for him to come around is a great way to miss out on having a great love life of your own.
Originally written by Annie Gleason on YourTango
Featured image via Jakob Owens on Unsplash
