As the months pass by, I can’t help but feel more overwhelmed by society. Each year I learn a lot about myself, where I live, and the society I’ve been built into. But this year has left me speechless. The negativity surrounding North American society is disgusting as the amount of unjust action, especially towards American women, continues to rise.
Lately, I’ve felt so much pressure from society only because I am female. The specific pressure and guilt I’ve been feeling come from deciding how I want to live my life. And it all started when I received adequate healthcare — as it is my right to do so.
Here in Canada, we are incredibly blessed with unlimited access to health care and the options we as women have. What’s more, most of them are free of monetary cost. I emphasize monetary value because each health care decision will bring cost at some point in life. Whether that be a physical cost through the use of birth control or an emotional cost through the process of abortion — there will always be an associated cost with healthcare.
Abortions are the focus of many headlines these days, making me feel even less worthy of choosing the life I want, not the life I could have had.
Choosing myself felt wrong that day, and I am not sure why. But luckily, as I write this, I can feel the powerful connection to God, other women, and men on our side. I feel seen, I feel held, and I feel strong. And I know that my decision was not wrong.
So today, as I sit here and think about how privileged I am to have received the health care I deserve, I mourn for the women like me who terminated their pregnancies.
- I mourn for the women who decided that they came first. For the women who chose to undergo an abortion and put themselves over their circumstances.
- I mourn for the women who knew that they could have loved that baby with every inch of their body, but they could not or did not want to become a mother.
- I mourn for the women who feel shame and blame on a daily basis.
- I mourn for the women who cannot look at their significant other in the same way as before.
- I mourn for the women who do not trust themselves.
- And I mourn for the women who feel rejected by society, God, and their peers.
I also want to pay tribute to those beautiful women who made a choice and now live with it.
Ladies, feeling unsettled is okay. Feeling down, defeated, and rejected is okay. Feeling pain, and sometimes even regret, is okay. You made your decision based on many factors, and there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.
I know that my decision to terminate my pregnancy wasn’t only for me, but it was also for that potential fetus, that egg, that peanut, that lemon, that pumpkin, and ultimately, that baby. And my decision was not wrong. My decision was mine to make. And although I may feel remorse, I know that I couldn’t provide that baby with what it deserved.
And the same goes for all the women who feel hurt and rejected by society because they chose themselves. Remember that your decision was not wrong. You are the one living your life. And ladies: You’re allowed to make decisions for yourself; decisions not everyone will understand. And that’s more than okay. If they don’t understand or care to, let them go. Let that toxicity remove itself from your life, and replace it with sympathy and patience for yourself.
Lord knows you deserve it.
Lots of love XX
Featured image via Manny Becerra on Unsplash
