There are many reasons someone would be scared of being loved and most of them stem from a prior hurt. It could be from a life of being told they aren’t good enough in which case the person fears the imminent rejection that is sure to happen.
Maybe having been rejected, they don’t want to feel that pain ever again. Or perhaps they fear that being loved means having to be vulnerable and that means exposing the inner demons.
And surely, when they find out who you really are, they’ll leave.
And then there are adoptees.
If you talk to most adoptees from a closed adoption (and many from an open one) they will tell you that love scares them.
The moment adoptees were separated from their mothers, a wound was formed and stored in their nervous system. From that, a feeling of loss, rejection, and abandonment is everpresent, whether they consciously know it or not.
Then when we hear the stories.
“Your mother loved you sooo much she gave you up.” “You were so loved — your mother couldn’t give you the life you deserved so she entrusted you to us.” “Do you know how lucky you are to have a mother love you so much that she would do anything for you?”
Statements like these are interpreted by the adoptee to mean love equals abandonment. Because if someone loved me that much, they wouldn’t leave me. For adoptees especially, when someone leaves it hurts. A lot.
So why on earth would we welcome love when to us, love means pain?
A number of years ago as a mother of 3 growing kids in my 30’s, all my closest friends moved away. Soon before that, my super awesome neighbors sold their house and moved.
I remember thinking ‘Why does everyone leave me?’ It shook my world in a way no-one, not even myself, could understand. While it sounds so…juvenile…to think a thought like that, it was my reality. It wouldn’t be until years later I understood why.
Here are the 13 lies that people who have a fear of love and being loved say:
- I’m too busy. A relationship will just get in the way of my goals.
- I can’t find anyone who fits my idea of a mate.
- Love is too much work.
- My life is awesome just the way it is.
- Who needs a relationship when I have all I need right here?
- I don’t like commitment.
- I like my freedom.
- The last thing I feel like doing is babysitting.
- I don’t want to have to answer to anyone again.
- Love is complicated and I don’t like drama.
- Not going there again, I already know how it turns out.
- Life is so much easier alone.
- I’d rather have a dog.
There are some good mates out there that can see right through these lies. And they are the ones that are persistent. Because they can see beyond the exterior, they will love you anyway.
You, whoever you are, are stronger than your fear. Give yourself permission to give it a try. Love yourself first — and you won’t have to worry about someone else hurting you ever again.
Photo by Keith Tanner on Unsplash
