The friendzone has been the subject of discourse for years. Many paint it as this mythic realm someone throws a potential romantic partner into when they want to remain friends. Few have ever escaped.
But others view it as a problematic term butthurt people use when all they want is to have sex with someone, and they can’t.
So where does the actual truth lie? It depends on the person. Different genders tend to view friendship — and by extension, the friendzone — differently.
Note: Obviously, not everyone will conform to these gender norms within their friendships. However, this is the trend we’ve noticed among men and women.
A Female Perspective
Female friendships are hardcore. When you’ve accepted someone new into your circle, that is no small thing.
Women often do not view friends as secondary to romantic relationships. Instead, both are valuable in maintaining a healthy support system. In fact, there are some issues we might turn to a friend about first, depending on the situation.
When I decide to be friends with someone instead of dating them, I don’t see that as a downgrade. I hate the term “just friends” because there’s nothing “just” about it. Deciding you’re my friend means I want and value you in my life. I just don’t want that to turn romantic.
That’s why it can be hurtful when some men view being friends as a punishment or a zone they have to escape to truly have a relationship with a woman. Friendship is a relationship — just maybe not the one you want.
Sure, rejection hurts. I’ve definitely crushed on a friend who did not reciprocate. However, I took some time away from them to heal, then continued to be friends with them. The romantic feelings faded, but the friendship did not.
However, I understand how this feeling can be different from men since female friendships tend to be more affectionate than male ones. Most women might not see friendships as a downgrade or consolation prize, but not everyone sees the situation the same.
A Male Perspective
The dreaded “friendzone”: the most feared place for guys trying to score. The friendzone might be viewed more favorably by women – as a more natural step in building a relationship. But to the guys, the friendzone is a state of limbo.
Guys are usually friendzoned when they make a move on someone that they’re interested in. Depending on the guy, they could spend a long time trying to come up with a game plan, or they’ll just shoot their shot without much preparation. Regardless, if the woman has no interest in the guy, then a familiar phrase is heard: “Oh, that’s so sweet, but I think we’re better as friends. I hope you understand.”
Oh yes, they understand… to an extent. The guy understands that they just failed to get with the person they were interested in and that they didn’t want anything to do with them. It hurts more because it hurts the guy’s pride.
So why do guys hate being friendzoned? Because it’s second place. It’s a consolation prize, and it’s the stench of failure. While it does depend on the circumstances, the rejection can say something negative about the guy, making it even harder to deal with. For a guy, the friendzone says much more than the typical “let’s stay friends” quote. It can say that someone didn’t like the guy for whatever reason, and perhaps others shouldn’t like them either.
So we got into the psyche of how different genders consider the friendzone. You’re probably thinking, “That’s great, but what do we do with this information?”
We’re so glad you asked because there’s something for everybody to take away.
Ladies – men take being “friendzoned” as a huge defeat and a blow to their pride. So please do not get offended because of how the guys react. You can’t control their feelings, and it’s not your responsibility!
Men – the friendzone is not something to stress over. Do not get offended when you get friendzoned. It usually means that while they may not want a romantic relationship with you, they still want you in their life. So if you really want them to be in yours, then you won’t mind being their friend.
It basically comes down to this: Now that you understand both points of view, you can take measures to make sure you react with empathy.
Co-written with Lora Korpar
Feature Image by Josh Hild on Pexels
