You hear the bickering in the other room. Your kids are fighting, yet again, over whose turn it is to go first, or what T.V. program to watch, or they’re using the other sibling’s “stuff” without permission.
You often wonder, “Where did I go wrong? Is this normal? Do other kids fight as much as our kids?”
Well, the answer is yes and no. Yes, siblings fight, and it’s natural to have some sibling rivalry. Luckily, there are things that you can do as a parent to increase sibling cooperation and enjoyment in each other’s company.
As a parent, you can encourage cooperation and minimize comparisons and competition between your children. Keeping track of when kids fight, and the nature of their sibling rivalry can help you achieve peace and harmony in your home.
Here are seven tips on how to get kids to stop fighting so they can start getting along.
1. Treat them fairly, but not equally.
That may initially feel counterintuitive, but your children are unique and have different needs. Ensuring you’re aware of their different needs and are responsive is more important than ensuring everything is 50/50.
Let your child know they are loved uniquely, according to their needs.
2. Take the time to listen to them without judgment.
As parents, you often rush in with anger or immediately dish out consequences without taking the time to listen. Stay calm. Give your children a chance to share their perspectives about what happened.
This helps them feel heard and encourages cooperation and problem-solving with their sibling.
3. Encourage your children to come up with solutions.
Have your children be part of the solution. Ask them to write down solutions to the conflict (or write them down for younger children) and then read back what everyone came up with.
Have them evaluate what could work and how they can try out some of their fixes. Let them have ownership of the process.
4. Be careful about comparing one child to their sibling.
It can happen very easily. You say under your breath, “I wish you were more like your brother and listened when I asked you to do something.”
Children are very sensitive to comparisons, which can increase sibling rivalry. Instead, describe the behavior or what needs to be done, such as, “We are running late because you have not put on your soccer cleats for practice.”
5. Encourage cooperative play or rewards.
You can create goals for your children, including working together and earning a reward for their cooperative behavior. An example could be if they can both clean up the playroom before dinner for a week and pick an activity they can do together.
You can also have them be on the same team with board games and encourage positive feelings and a mutual goal they are working towards.
6. Allow them to work out their problems.
Parents often rush in with a solution and come up with one that seems fair to them but, usually, is not what their children need. Allow them to negotiate and find a way to work things out.
If a solution seems unfair, reflect to them what you are hearing and make sure they’re both on board. You may be surprised at their negotiation skills.
7. Teach them to use “I” statements.
Children need to share their feelings. A simple but effective tool that both children and adults can use is the “I” statement: “I feel _____ (fill in the emotion) when you _____ (short statement) because _____, I need you to _______.”
For example, “I feel upset when you don’t let me pick the game we are going to play because it’s not fair; I need you to let me go first some of the time.”
Managing bickering among your children can feel like an uphill battle, but it’s a big part of how to get kids to stop fighting and can help you as a parent feel more empowered and less like a referee.
Originally written by Monica Ramunda on YourTango
Featured image via Ron Lach on Pexels
