If you have thought — or yelled — “I hate my husband” or “I hate my wife,” you might worry that divorce is inevitable in your future. Or you might say that you “hate your spouse” more like a child angry at their parent and saying, “I hate you, Mommy/Daddy.” That child probably doesn’t hate their parent but feels that way now — just like you might think about your husband or wife sometimes.
However, if you have arrived where you hate your spouse, this is a sign that your relationship is in deep trouble, and it is time to take action.
Love and marriage are innately complex, but you can learn how to fix a broken marriage with your spouse before it’s too late.
As a disclaimer — if your spouse is abusive toward you and your children or is narcissistic, this article does not speak to you. You must take more drastic action immediately.
You may have said, “I hate my husband,” because you were disappointed by something he did. Or maybe you think, “I hate my wife,” whenever you feel distanced.
Perhaps you and your spouse have grown apart due to your unmet needs or your expectations not being realized. Do you feel like you don’t spend time together like you used to? Or that you no longer know each other?
It’s OK for this to happen in a relationship. There is still hope to fix a broken marriage.
Here are seven steps to fix a broken marriage when you hate (or even just resent) your husband or wife.
1. Ask yourself why you’re saying you hate your spouse.
Being extremely honest with yourself about why you’re saying it is essential. Consider why you say it and what you believe is missing in your relationship. What do you believe is making you so unhappy, and when did it start?
Answer these questions to the best of your ability.
2. Examine your expectations.
Consider what your expectations were when you got married and what your spouse’s expectations were then.
Your expectations might have included sex, finances, parenting, extended family involvement, career decisions, etc. Maybe you even talked about these before marriage but found that something changed after you married and started living life together.
Do your expectations and your reality not match up?
As you examine your expectations, think about these things:
- Consider which expectations are being met. Generally, some are being met. Often, people get so caught up in the negative stuff that they forget the positive things. It is wise to consider the positive first so that you don’t get lost in the negative.
- Ask yourselves, “Where does each of us feel let down?” Remember that your spouse may also feel their needs are not being met. Make a list of your expectations and needs and how you believe those are being met or not. Also, write down what you think your spouse might say about those expectations from their point of view.
- Are your marriage expectations realistic? It could be helpful to think about what others might say about your expectations. Is it reasonable to believe someone else is capable of doing for you what you want and need 100 percent of the time?
- Do both sides clearly understand the expectations or is there an assumption that they do? Beliefs can and will get you into trouble. You assume that because you may have talked about each of your expectations in the past each of you will never forget them and always meet them 100% of the time. You may assume that you are meeting your spouse’s expectations 100 percent of the time and that your spouse is ignoring yours. That is not realistic to believe or think! There needs to be continual talk about expectations and continual adjusting of those expectations throughout your married life.
Allow your spouse time to respond, and then negotiate what each of you will do regarding expectations.
3. Make a positive “inventory” of your relationship.
Have your relationship disappointments overshadowed what your spouse is actually doing for you? Think back over the past few days or weeks. List each thing your spouse has done that was positive and that you can express appreciation for. From your point of view, it could be as small as taking out the garbage.
After you make your list, express your thanks for what your spouse is doing to make your married life better, even in small ways.
4. Examine your manners.
If you have children, I guess you’ve probably taught them to say please and thank you, basically to have good manners. You have probably also taught them to be kind, share, and be helpful. Why do you not do the same for your spouse?
Do you assume that your spouse should know you’re thankful? You like it when someone appreciates you, even for little things, right? Remember, expressing gratitude for something your spouse does for you is essential.
Don’t assume that your spouse will know that you are grateful. Express it out loud.
“Thanks for making the coffee.”
“Thanks for doing the laundry.”
“Thanks for taking care of the kids.”
“Thanks for going to work every day.”
Think about whether your partner could interpret any of your behaviors as poor manners. What could you do to overcome that in your marriage?
Again, believing that someone else is responsible for your happiness is not OK, and you should know what you need. Step up and do for your spouse what you want your spouse to do for you.
Do it without grumbling or an attitude. Do it because it is mannerly and is the right thing to do.
5. Are you striking out in pain?
Maybe you believe your spouse has not met your needs and expectations, so you will respond kindly. You feel hurt, so you figure you will hurt your spouse back. This becomes a vicious cycle of pain for both of you — you hurt me, so I hurt you!
Again, someone cannot read your mind. You need to express to your spouse what’s going on and give them a chance to figure out if they can do something to help you.
6. Commit to change the things each of you needs to change.
Change is not one-sided. You need to figure out what you can do to help each other feel better about the relationship. It may mean that it starts with you. You can only change yourself and not the other person. Maybe you need to change your attitude toward your spouse and see the positive over the negative.
Make a list of your issues and changes you’re willing to make. This may take some time, but it is where the change begins. It’s how you actively start to fix your broken marriage.
7. Plan a regular time to communicate.
This is crucial to the ongoing health of your relationship. It will also help heal past hurts and make mid-course corrections to avoid unnecessary future hurts.
Schedule your communication time. The two of you must agree on frequency, location, and time. Talk about possible distractions and how you’ll handle those distractions, which could be just being at home, the kids, the cell phone, etc.
Before your scheduled time to communicate, you make a list of things you want to discuss. Make your list short because both of you will have a list. Your communication time doesn’t need to be a marathon session to be of value.
Determine how to call a time-out if needed. Allow each other to take time and walk away for a few minutes to think or calm down. Also, if you are overwhelmed, decide how to end it.
Above all, remember that this is not a blame session. It is a truthful expression of where you are and what you need in your marriage.
Really listen to one another.
(These conversations shouldn’t take place when you have a date night. Date nights should be fun.)
If you want to start on your own, you have nothing to lose by working through your feelings by yourself. It will still be necessary to figure out how to talk to your spouse, which will be hard work since emotions have been building over time.
Fixing your broken marriage may take some time. Your husband or wife may not readily see the need to change anything, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start to make some changes yourself.
If you get stuck or either of you gives up, then agree to find someone else to help you through it. You can learn how to fix a broken marriage and get back to loving — rather than hating — your spouse.
Originally written by David McFadden on YourTango
Featured image via RDNE Stock project on Pexels
Yes, I believe my spouse has not met my needs and expectations. But I feel hurt, so I figure I will hurt my spouse back. This becomes a vicious cycle of pain.