Shared activities get recommended in marriage, courtship, friendship, family dynamics, even workplace team-building. When my partner and I hit a rough patch and tried couple’s therapy, we literally got “homework” to renovate our backyard together. And then we had to “present” what we learned from that! It was so weird – but it helped.
You Communicate Better
If you want a project to succeed, you have to talk about it, continuously. Once we started on our backyard reno, topics just kept popping up: this feels silly; where do we start, it’s such a mess; I kinda hate the whole thing, I wish we had space for a garden; yeah I wish we had a little shed too; okay how about we completely change the layout? We had to make so many decisions – and we had to make them together.
Our therapist had sneakily tossed us a gigantic communication exercise. We had to give space to each other to express our views, and actually listen. We had to figure out how to make the other see what we each imagined for the yard – and how to handle a vision going up in smoke. It was an intensive course in transparency, discussion, compromise, flexibility, and empathy. By the time we revamped the yard, we had learned how to use those communication skills to navigate other, more difficult discussions.
You Problem-Solve as a Unit
If your project runs completely smoothly, you’re doing it wrong. Hiccups and bottlenecks happen – we had stubborn weeds, shoddy paths, and hellish neighbors who thought all hours were noise nuisance hours. It was infuriating: fix one thing, another pops up, like an endless game of whack-a-mole. We had to put our heads together and troubleshoot, not to mention coming up with contingency plans – the famous “it’s us against the problem” mindset.
The trick that helped us get there were lists. We each listed off all the troublesome aspects of a situation that we could see. Then we’d exchange papers and list off ideas for how to handle what bothered the other. It helped us identify where our views overlapped and where we had gaps. Then we had a better idea of what specific information, tool, etc. we ought to look for to help us solve the problem quickly and efficiently. We gradually compiled a whole binder of these, and when we showed it to our therapist, she laughed her head off – we had labeled it “Nothing’s Quiet on the United Front”.
You Learn to Ask for Help
The biggest bottleneck we faced was the plumbing. Good heavens, the state of that backyard’s underground. Now, neither of us is licensed for plumbing work, so we had to call a plumber from Belmont to help us (we’re in Brisbane), and again it was one thing after another. We basically had to redo the entire stormwater drainage system, we found a tree root in the gutters, and it turned out our prettiest, greenest patch of grass was so lush because the spot was perpetually wet due to a leaky pipe. No way were we going to whack that furry Hydra ourselves.
Let me tell you, it was a massive exercise in trust. We’re both fiercely independent people and placing our project in someone else’s hands was a challenge and a half, even more so than going into couple’s counseling. Ironically, that was the biggest lesson our therapist meant for us to learn. Our relationship had suffered because we both insisted on carrying the load ourselves, and we ended up pulling in opposite directions. We both had to relearn how to ask for, and accept, support.
You Bond Through Shared Experiences
After all the psych-tactics, this one’s actually a very basic human thing. The entire project, with all its challenges, gradually becomes a precious shared memory. Every time we tackled something, we got a rush of satisfaction and a milestone to boast about. If you want to make your relationship last, you need these kinds of everyday stories in your book. They’re testaments to the obstacles you overcame on your journey, and they illustrate all the effort you put into your connection.
You Appreciate Each Other More
In the end, this is what it boils down to: don’t take each other for granted. The reason we both stubbornly pulled in our own directions was we both just assumed the other would be there for our nonsense, no questions asked. In truth, we were both just about fed up enough to leave. Our backyard reno “homework” was a last-minute plumbing intervention before the clogging of non-communication and the frost of resentment made the pipes of our relationship burst completely apart. So, when our counselor suggested we commemorate our success with a little gift or treat, we picked one that would be a reminder as well: matching mole keychains.
My point is: your relationship is your biggest project. Take my experience as a cheat sheet. Things are so much better when you communicate, and moles are easier to whack when you swing together. And if you need help sometimes – that’s okay. It just means you appreciate each other more than your own pride, and that your bond is strong enough to withstand any little embarrassment from letting an outsider see the messy underground. It’s okay: you’re working on it together.
Feature Image by Blue Bird on Pexels
