When your relationship started, you knew in your heart that your feelings were real. When you committed to your partner and said, “I love you forever,” you meant it.
But after a while, it can be hard to be truly happy in a relationship. Problems arise, conflict is inevitable, and nobody is raised with a handy manual for how to stay happy and in love with a partner.
Intimate relationships have a strange way of revealing flaws— both in ourselves and in our partners.
As your relationship matures, habits and personality conflicts can easily arise. The next thing you know, “happily ever after” seems more like “never happy again.”
It’s easy to say that you’ll love your partner unconditionally, but it’s a whole lot harder to do when you’re in the thick of living real life together.
The truth is, unconditional love is not the same as loving every single part of another person. I started to understand this much better after reading Andrea Miller’s book, Radical Acceptance: The Secret To Happy, Lasting Love. Ultimately, it’s about finding peace within yourself when you no longer try to control what others choose to do.
So how does radical acceptance look when you practice it? Well, it’ll vary for every person and every situation.
To help us understand, we asked our YT Experts to shed some light on what blocks joy from entering truly loving relationships and how finding joy can make you fall back in love. Here are 11 of their fantastic answers:
1. Ditch the notion of perfection.
“When we learn to let the perception of perfection go and accept our partners as they are, we ultimately find happiness. Accepting that the relationships we have with our partners aren’t going to be perfect is the first step.
Many traits can be hard to overlook, but when we are with our partner and they make us feel truly loved, cared for, and safe, that outweighs the annoyances.”
Barbara Ann Bruno is an author, certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coach (INHC), and Lifestyle Empowerment Coach.
2. Before blaming your partner, find another way around the problem.
“That wistful absent-minded behavior that is endearing and adorable when you are dating becomes as irritating as nails on a chalkboard when you move into the same space day in and day out. We can help ourselves and our relationships by finding easy solutions that resolve potential conflicts and don’t force anyone to change who they uniquely are in the world.
We must leave our inner egos and need to be right out of the discussion in order to create a happy ending. One such example was when my new husband dropped the toothpaste cap down the drain when he moved into my apartment in a Historical Landmark building.
Conflict averted when I [retrieved] the cap from the drain and purchased future toothpaste with an attached cap to prevent another incident. To quote Big Hero Six, ‘Find another way around the problem’ that serves you well.”
Cheryl Marks Young is the Founder of Creative Blueprints and the author of Love Your Life: Cultivating Your Vision and Tending Your Dreams. You can find out more about her on her website.
3. Recognize when you need to step away and detach.
“When confronting challenges in a relationship, [you may have] the tendency to believe there are only two choices: either change the other person or turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please them.
The act of detaching, however, can eliminate the battle and soften the suffering. It is often the most effortless, effective, and loving option there is.”
Elizabeth Patterson is a Change-Agent and Relationship Coach for Women in Unsupportive Relationships. Visit her website for a free 45 minute Discover Your Next Best Move Session.
4. Learn to listen to more than just your partner’s words.
“People are not their behaviors. Looking beyond the behavior and knowing what [your partner’s] intentions are is one form of respect.
Communication is talking and active listening, [so] listen with your heart, your eyes, and your ears. When you listen to what [your partner actually said] and not what you believe [that they said], true bliss and love… can become a reality.”
Evelyn Wang is a Personal Development Coach, Hypnotherapist Instructor, NLP trainer, and Fitness Nutrition Specialist. Follow Evelyn on her website Center for Advanced Life Skills™.
5. Embrace each other’s individual right to choose joy.
“Your happiness is not dependent on your partner’s behavior. Don’t let their behavior be an excuse for you to be unhappy.
You are always responsible for your own [joy]. You can do this by seeing your partners light — their goodness — no matter how they behave.”
Ingrid DeHart is a Nutritional Coach, Food Blogger, and founder of Eat Well, Enjoy Life.
6. Practice the art of self-acceptance and self-check your need for control.
“Stepping into self-acceptance is the gateway to compassionate relationships. Start accepting your own shadows… and work through [them].
Evolutionary relationships require trust… and wonder [for] growth. Know and accept your partner’s love language [and] respect their space…”
Jhennevièv Heartt is a Transformational Coach, Yoga and Breath Expert, and Founder of NAI’A Inspired Life, the Thrive Course, and Barefoot Entrepreneurs.
7. Anticipate that sometimes things don’t go as planned.
“Remember that your partner is not you and is a fallible human just like the rest of us. The question you have to ask yourself is ‘Do I love him?’ If the answer is ‘yes,’ then it is time to actually love him.
Treat him with love, compassion, and acceptance rather than complaints, anger, and manipulation. You’ll both be happier!”
Linda Dieffenbach specializes in empowering you to overcome the patterns and habits that keep you feeling stuck and overwhelmed with your life.
8. Be mindful of the how your complaining affects your partner.
“Accept whatever trait you are complaining about! At least for now, it’s making you both miserable to complain. Choose to focus on being grateful for what he does do. What do you really want — to make him wrong and be right or to have love? When you stop complaining, you’ll be happier and so will he, and he might just do what you want because he wants to do it to please you.
Stop making him [feel] wrong for not giving you love, attention, happiness. Look at what you really need and share [your needs and why they matter]. Then, ask him what he needs from you. A happier relationship means you are both giving to each other. Thank him for whatever he does even if it isn’t exactly what you wanted. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
Marilyn Sutherland is a Personal Development, Leadership, and Relationship Coach. I
9. Accept that your partner can’t be your only friend.
“The distinguishing qualities of a great husband, lover, financial partner, or father to your babies are just not the same as [the qualities you’d want in a best friend]. So can we please stop insisting that [your partner] wear your ‘best friend’ badge too?
It’s romantic to say, ‘Today, I marry my best friend’ in your wedding vows, but it’s really way too much pressure to put on your life partner. And likely, you’ll end up pissing off at least two bridesmaids who lived through a couple of past boyfriend dramas with you — and maybe even held your hair after too many celebratory martinis…
Forge friendships that have nothing to do with your husband or kids. Then, come home and revel in the mystery you both create. Best friends tend to share clothes and, over time, look alike. Think 20 [or] 30 years down the line and imagine what matching khakis and reading glasses will look like. (Please shudder at that thought.)
Still insist on living with your best friend? Get a dog. Want a long-lasting sexy relationship? Do something that excites you on your own. And accept that he needs to do the same.”
Sharon Demko is a Co-Active® leadership coach, Certified Strength, and Conditioning Specialist, and professional trainer based in the San Francisco Bay Area.
10. Love with a “no matter what happens” mindset.
“A trait we should all aspire to have is the ability to show unconditional love. Unconditional means that no matter how [your partner responds] to you in their moments of frustration, you love them unconditionally. When they say or do something to you to intentionally hurt you because of an internal struggle with their own hurt, you still love them…
I am in no way inferring that this is an easy attribute to attain. After all, it is not something with which we are born; it is a learned skill. However, to achieve a happier and healthier relationship — emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually — this is the ‘who’ you must become. Once you are that person, the sky is the limit to your happiness and to all your future endeavors.”
Shaun E. Neil is a CTA-trained Relationship Life Coach and ICF member. You can connect with him on YourTango or via his website.
11. Decide to accept your partner every day.
“Radical acceptance is always a stretch — that’s what makes it radical. As such, it’s both a gift and an act of courage. You, however, need to be realistic and set yourself a target you can actually reach.
So consider three traits in your partner that you find difficult. Rate them from easiest to hardest to accept. Then, pick one that you feel willing to truly open your heart to [and decide to] go beyond your own self-interests. Accept that aspect of them.”
Steve Vinay Gunther has 30 years of experience in helping people transform their relationships. He is the author of the bestseller ‘Understanding the Woman in Your Life’ and teaches Gestalt therapy in 10 countries.
Our experts gave us some excellent advice. What advice would you give couples? Let us know in the comments!
Originally written by Aria Gmitter on YourTango.
Featured Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash.
