I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it hit me, but once I realized my parent was narcissistic, everything started to make sense. The pieces of my life, the confusion, the constant tension—all of it began to fit together. It’s terrifying to come to terms with this about someone you love, someone who’s supposed to love you unconditionally.
What is a narcissistic parent?
Narcissistic parents often lack the traits that make for good parenting– self-awareness, compassion, patience, and empathy. In my experience, my parent shows compassion when it’s convenient, when it serves their need to look good and feel good about themselves.
I almost wish I hadn’t realized it. Deep down, you don’t want to believe it. You’re in denial, struggling to accept that this is your new reality, that this is your parent.
Living with a parent like this means walking on eggshells.You never know what mood they’ll be in, so, you have to be hyper-aware of their feelings, constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid rocking the boat. For your safety and sanity, especially if, Like me, you still live with them.
Being around them all the time, you’re conditioned to be there for them emotionally when they need you. Even when you’re not around them, they’re on your mind. You end up having to parent–mentally and emotionally– and it’s exhausting.
But we do it.
One, because, we’ve been trained to, and two, because if we don’t, we’re consumed with guilt. I feel guilty for not doing it, even though I know it’s not my responsibility. And when they say, “You don’t have to,” deep down, you know that’s not true. You know that there’s no other choice.
For years, I desperately wanted people to see what I saw. I felt like I was losing my mind because only my sibling seemed to see my parent for who they really are, not the version they show to the world.
Over the years, though, my friends have noticed things–how I act around my parent, and how I become more reserved in their presence.
The saddest part?
I still care about this parent. I still love them because they brought me into this world. Without them, I wouldn’t be here, and for that, I’m forever thankful.
But do I like them as a person? Absolutely not. After years of gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and codependent behaviors, I can’t say I do. The list of grievances I have here could go on, it’s a lengthy one.
Dealing and healing from a narcissistic parent is incredibly hard, especially when you see them every day. But the good news is, I’ve found ways to cope– therapy, great friends who are my safe haven, and siblings who always have my back.
You are more than what your parent says you are. You have always been enough, no matter what your parent have made you believe about yourself
Featured image via Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
I hear you. I’ve experienced the same thing. So tough but I’m glad you’re finding ways to cope.